FATSO: The diary of a woman trying to lose weight

2008-11-29T09:53:00.002Z

It's been 1 year since I last posted ... shame on me.

It's not been a good year ......

Heart break and subsequent weight gain to boot. I'm now 21St 8Ibs (who said weight loss was easy?)

Anyway I'm on the merry-go-round again!

My first goal is to get back to 16Stones (101 kilograms)

I feel very ugly, very unattractive.

Here we go again.

2008-01-28T22:08:00.000Z

MONDAY 28th JANUARY

Well, I went for my weigh in on Saturday and I'm 17St 7Ibs .... not good, but no one said losing weight was easy.

I'm getting bored of trying. I just need to "do" and get off this merry-go-round once and for all!!

Plans for tomorrow:

1. Stick to the diet plan 100% no deviations .... so lots of teeth gritting
2. Drink 3 litres of water plus 1 litre of perfectly clear (as a minimum)
3. do a little bit of exercise.

No more excuses!!!!

2007-11-19T18:08:00.000Z

Where have I been?!!!

Well I've been all over both physically and emotionally. I'll fill you in as I go.

I can't believe I was 17St 3Ibs in March .... so I've only lost a few pounds in weight since then (exactly 8 months ago). I can't believe how slow my progress has been. It really does put things into perspective.

Must try harder!!!

2007-03-19T23:06:00.000Z

Monday 19th March 2007

I've lots to say but it's late now and I'm tired.

Just for a catch up though, I'm now 17St 3Ibs :-)

2007-01-30T14:50:00.000Z

TUESDAY 30th JANUARY 2007

Hello is there anybody there?

It's been a while since I last posted. I've had a bad few weeks getting back on the Cambridge Diet after Christmas. I must admit Christmas was a lot of fun though :D although I didn't indulge as much as I would normally have.

My grandmother died just after the New Year also, so my emotional eating was at it's peak!

I think I'm back on track now. I have my fornightly weigh in on Sunday so fingers crossed I'll have made some headway towards the 17Stones mark. After Christmas I weighed 18St 8Ibs, before Christmas 18St 7Ibs. Last time I was weighed (at the height of my binging, I was 19St 2.6Ibs - which is better than the 20St 8Ibs I was back in October 06.

Today feels OK. I have a cold, not good, not good at all. I feel ill. Besides that I'm OK and not feeling at all hungry.

Ciao for now

2006-12-16T21:14:00.000Z

FRIDAY 15th DECEMBER 2006

2 litres of water drunk so far. I will get my 3rd in by 13:45.

Ate a Malt Toffee CD bar for breakfast .... it took me ages, in part because I thought it tasted foul. Oh boy my taste buds must be changing - or may be it's because I prefer it cut up and frozen ... we'll see. Thankfully I only have 1 left. I think I'll stick to the shakes for this diet.

The Christmas Party is going to be so rubbish. Some people are having second thoughts because it's smart wear and they want to wear jeans. How silly!

The people here are so dull. I'm wondering whether my choice of outfit is too glam - either way I'm going to wear it, and wear it well.

So I don't have my shake as I can't be bothered. I'm no longer hungry. Although I was tempted to order chips on room service. And I did, but then cancelled. virtue got in the way

As far as I'm concerned this is my diary so I'm going to be as honest as possible.

I had to dinner they put on offer and scrummy it was too.

1st course : seasonal melon with a berry coulis. I didn't eat mine

2nd Course: vegetable soup. I took one small sip and left the rest. I did eat the bread roll. Yummy, yummy yummy, but don't miss it in the slightest. I can cope without another bread roll for the next 8 months I'm pretty darn sure.

3rd Course: salmon with vegetables (including boiled potatoes). I ate all of it bar 1.5 potatoes, meaning I had half a potato

4th course:profiteroles. I didn't eat them. Don't like them, never will.

5th course: Christmas pud with Brandy sauce. I took a tiny piece and found it excruciatingly sweet (must be my CD taste buds!)

I had water throughout (my literage for the day was circa 4 -5 litres).

I had two vodka and tonics - but stayed away from the wine. I dunno, I felt a tad guilty and didn't want to do too much damage and I didn't feel at all deprived.

My manager - whom I don't see eye to eye with said that she thought in her mind last week that I'd lost weight. I confirmed this and said around 2 stones. She was like "wow".
Not that I've made a show of it, in fact I've tried to be discreet, but she and my other colleague said to me "oohh, those shakes must be working!" LOL

Lots of people took a double take of me and I was told I looked stunning. I look fairly drab at work - I do this so as to draw distinction between 'out of the office' 'in the office' and 'out on the town'

My dress was strapless and tight and sexy. I wore it a few years ago and then tried it a few months back but it didn't fit. It fit me yesterday though. Size 18, Wallis - thank God for Wallis sizing!

One guy I kinda had the hots for a few months back kept catching my eye around the dinner table. He thinks I look fine anyway, but said I looked gorgeous. We had a dance he kissed me goodbye (some of them were off out to a club - I couldn't go, my shoes were made for decoration purposes only!) and kept kissing me on the lips, in fact if I left him, tongues would have been involved. He then said "I like you" in this shy quite voice (he is shy) and I said "don't tell anyone, but "I like you too". I kinda said it jokingly because you just never know do you, he may well be lying in his bed regretting what he said. I was only slightly inebriated so I remember EVERYTHING.

Anyway that was my night ... I'll continue with a next post titled "16th December 2006"

Much love all and thanks for reading!

2006-12-12T22:06:00.000Z

Tuesday 12th December 2006

Went to Asda to but a wee cardigan for a Christmas do we're having. They didn't have any in my size so I became super frustrated angry and nearly started crying. All I saw were Size 8's - tht pushed my over the edge I kept thinking "which post pubescent woman is a size 8 anyway!!!!!" I was so angry that I ripped it while I was trawling throught the clithes rack and I didn't care. I was annoyed with Asda and the clothing industry, I was annoyed with myself for not havign cracked CD months ago so that I would be a normal size and wouldn't have to resort to going to Asda for a poxy cardigan. I was angry angry angry. I so want to look nie, but then started thinking that someone my size aint gonna look good anyway so what's the point in trying. I was angry because I've seen gorgeous dresses in River Island, Debenhams etc. that would have suited me to a 'T' instead as always in my life I'm having to 'make do' I don't wanna make do any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought this will be the last year. Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Asdas I went to and the story was the same throughout! I couldn't bring myself to drive to the other one, but had it in my head that I'd drive past the one in Long Eaton tomorrow morning - how desperate and frustrating. I still may.

I was so upset I drove to MacDonalds and binged, binged binged on 9 chicken nuggets (I didn't want anything carby). My binge occured between Asdas. It was my intention to buy another 20 and scoff them, so drove to Asda's via another MacDonalds. Alas I didn't buy another 20, the 9 started making me feel sick mentally and physically. I HATE MacDonalds - I don't go there.

I got home and checked my urine and it's still in the pink - thankfully. I've also downed 500ml of water in the vain hope that it may make a difference in cleansing and washing my system. I've also decided not to have any more soups or shakes for the day as I've done the dirty with the chicken nuggets.

Thus today:
3 litres of water
1 strawberry shake
1 Chicken and Mushroom shake with white pepper - yum although near the bottom of my mug it was like drinking sand - yuk, never had that before!
9 Chicken nuggets

Thanks for listening .........

2006-12-10T18:07:00.000Z

Sunday 10th December 2006 - Weigh & Measure Day

I never eat before I am weighed - I don't know of anyone on any diet who does. It's a rule I have and is a constant and thus any weight loss or gain is genuine.

This morning I got up decorated a cake that I made and then slowly but surely got ready to go and see my CDC. I knew which flavours I was going to buy. I definitely wanted to stock up on Cappuccino Flavour, my favourite of the sweet shakes and the new Cheese and Broccoli, if my Counsellor had any in - I wasn't banking on it as it's a new flavour. To be honest I wasn't sure how much I'd way, but I was hoping to have just dipped below 19Stones to about 18St 13Ibs. I'd have been happy with that.

Whilst at my counsellors house another lady came by and she looked so good, I assumed she was hoping to lose a stone or two, imagine my delight when she tells me she's lost 5 stones!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's amazing. I love meeting these people.

On being weighed my CDC informed me that I am now 18St 11Ibs :-) So I can officially proclaim to the world I AM IN THE 18's. Admittedly it's not a great loss for two weeks but 1) I really haven't had a good two weeks and 2) I've broken through that awful 19 stone barrier that was really pissing me off.

So now I wave goodbye to the 19's for good and look towards the 17s, if I work my ass off I can doing it by the first or second week of January. Once I hit the 17's I know my clothes will start feeling looser - I can't wait! :-D

I've really complained about my CDC before, but I realise that if I'm doing well she's good, if I'm behaving like a navel gazer she has no time for me. Some might say it's a bad attitude to have and I'd be inclined to agree, but her attitude is what has been spurring me on so I'm happy to keep her as my counsellor. One of her other clients has one Cambridge Dieter of the year 2006 and she herself won Cambridge Counsellor of the Year 2006, so may be she is worth sticking with.

Anyway I've packed 3.5 litres of water in over the last 4 hours plus I've had two shakes. I'm feeling full to bursting, I'm not sure I'll be having anything else today!

Ciao for now ......

2006-12-09T12:51:00.000Z

Saturday 9th December 2006

I'm feeling much more positive about the diet. Albeit I'm still tempted by food. It is almost spring and I need to get a spring in my step.

My knee is still giving me trouble but I've found a way around the whole exercise thing - rather than jumping around, I'll go swimming instead. I'l put off the aerobics classes until next week. So my plan is to swim a few lengths tomorrow, then do an aquaerobics class Monday evening.

So far I've marked off 4 days on my '100-days of Sole Sourcing' chart. It's quite satisfying seeing those crosses which mark off the days. 96 more days to go. Looks like I won't be eating Christmas day dinner! There's always next year God willing.

So far today:

500ml water - I drank this first thing.
1/2 chocolate shake (mixed with psyllium husk) - I cannot wait to see my CDC so that I can get some more flavours I'm sick of Chocolate flavour, but that seems the only think I have left in the 'sweets'.

I've drunk another 500mls of water - easy peasy really. I can down a 1 litre in one go.

I'm currently just finishing a Lactose Free Mushroom soup. I remember the days when this was the only soup I'd touch, can you believe it?!

I'm off to get my eyebrows sorted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well it's 3:45AM. I did have my eyebrows threaded - it wasn't as painful as I'd thought it would be given I've left my eyebrows to grow for some months now.

When I got back I found time to bake a cake in anticipation of the fayre my local park is holding in honour of the erection of a new band stand. I coldn't really be bothered to bake it. I was told I didn't have to bake a cake, but as I'd already pledged it I didn't want to let myself and others down - sheesh listen to me! If only I was as determined about my weight loss! Anyway as per usual there days, I baked the cake blind i.e. didn't taste the mixture as I don't want to jeapordise ketosis.

I wet out on the town. What was looking like an ordinary night turned into a fab one. I really don't know how my friend does it .... atttracting men! Luckily I wasn't out on the prowl - that won't happen until April when I should be around 14 stones.

I was dancing - I'm a bit of a dance addict when a good choon is played. My knee was still giving me trouble. :(

So, so far today I'm drunk three litres of water and had three shakes. I was desperately tempted today! I must think of my 100-day chart and my lovely green coat to spur me on. Seeing those girls in lovely clothes this evening helps too!

THANKS FOR LISTENING

2006-12-09T10:53:00.000Z

Friday 8th December 2006

I'm feeling bored of this diet. I really fancy something different like salmon and potatoes.

Anyhow - I know I shouldn't have but I stepped on the scales and they said 19St 3Ibs; thus there is despondency there.

I'm beginning to think me losing 7 stones aint gonna happen.

1/2 Chocolate shake down

2.5 litres of water consumed so far.

I am a bit bored, in part because ALL I have left are bloomin' chocolate shakes and soups. I'm looking forward to getting some more shakes and trying the Stilton and Broccoli Soup. Hopefully my counsellor will have some, I forgot to ask her - but then again she sounded busy. The only thing that got me through the last few hours have been thinking about how gorgeous BuxomWench looks Friday 8th December 2006I'm feeling bored of this diet. I really fancy something different like salmon and potatoes.Anyhow - I know I shouldn't have but I stepped on the scales and they said 19St 3Ibs; thus there is despondency there.I'm beginning to think me losing 7 stones aint gonna happen.

1/2 Chocolate shake down2.5 litres of water consumed so far.

I am a bit bored, in part because ALL I have left are bloomin' chocolate shakes and soups. I'm looking forward to getting some more shakes and trying the Stilton and Broccoli Soup. Hopefully my counsellor will have some, I forgot to ask her - but then again she sounded busy. The only thing that got me through the last few hours have been thinking about how gorgeous BuxomWench looks (page 15). http://tinyurl.com/y3982y

---------------------------------------------------------

I'm crap and I'm feeling CRAP. I've just had a huge BINGE.I'm feeling really down and lonely.It's Friday night, I'm alone and don't have any friends to go out with ... dull, dull, dull!Binged on blanched cashew nuts. I've drank a litre of water (my 4th of the day) to compensate somehow.
Fat
Lonely
Single
Bored
That's me!

I'm seriously despondent. Honestly, I so want to be in the 18s I've been hovering on the border for weeks now. How long does one have to wait?! It's so annoying.I'm seriously pissed off. My knee is giving me gyp, it's painful for me to get on and off the loo and to add insult to injury the only reason why my 'front bottom' is like Niagra Falls is because I'm drinking so much damned water for this damned diet.

*GRUMP*

2006-12-09T10:42:00.000Z

Thursday 07 December 2006

OK, I needed reassurance this morning so I stepped on the scales. They said 19St 1.5Ibs, which I am happy about as that means I did put on fat last week, some how, but am slowly edging towards the 18's. I so don't want to be the same weight I was when I last saw my CDC - that would be disappointing for me AND my CDC is very encouraging when I'm losing. I'm seeing her this weekend so fingers crossed I can drop a 2Ibs and getting into the 18's by then.

7:00AM - 1 litre of water

8:30AM - cup of tea

I came home starving. Now I'm not. I've just consumed 500ml (daily total = 3.5 litres). I've yet to drink my 3rd and 4th shake.

I went to River Island today to see what clothes I wanted to buy in anticipation of my metamorphosis I'll probably buy something next season, although I do prefer winter fashion - there was nothing that caught my eye.

Saw a coat in Dotty P's (Dorothy Perkins) Size 22, comfy fit. I'll buy that tomorrow as that'll see my through the cold weeks ahead.

I am going down stairs to make a soup. Probably Oriental Chilli.

I've had 4 litres of water so far and am currently making my way though my 4½th litre whilst I consume a whole chocolate shake in one go .... something I haven't done in ages. I'm doing it because it's too late to split them the way I like to.

Thanks for listening ....

2006-12-09T10:35:00.000Z

Wednesday 6th December 06

Just finished a 1/2 packet of toffee and walnut shake - 1 down, one to go. I think the flavour tastes a bit like vanilla, which I've gone off. I can't wait to get come more cappuccino!

1.5 litres of water consumed so far.

Went to Tesco with work colleague with the intention of buying some cooked chicken. I decided not to. I'm drinking Oriental Soup sans any food.I'm feeling OK, but I'm finding things a little hard.

2.5 litres consumed so far.

1/2 strawberry shake consumed.

People are asking me why I'm quiet. Gggrrr... you just can't win.

I'm cheerful and it's construed as 'loud' 'mad' 'gregarious' 'brash' and I'm treated like the class clown etc. I'm quiet and I'm being asked why.I'm feeling miserable because I'm sick of the front I have to put on to feel part of the team, to feel I fit in. It's so sapping! I'm sick of TRYING.They think I'll be acting like a class clown at the Christmas do as well. I don't want to go I really don't, but friends have advised me to go because I have to be seen to 'fit in' a 'team player'. I hate office politics and it's made worse when you're fat!I need a hug and kiss from my boyfriend - alas I haven't had one for six long years.

I've paid for my hotel now so I have to go. I think it'll put me in good sead for my career in the long run and enable me to earn oodles! I constantly feel I'm on the defensive from everyone because whilst I'm outwardly confident my weight and appearance (I know you think I'm alright looking but lets not go there again ....) are breaking my heart. Thus when someone is having a laugh and a joke I take it personally when possibly a rational person wouldn't. It really has caused me problems in the past and I don't want to jeapordise the job and friends I have at the moment. It's bloomin' hard though. I wish there was someone I could confide in at work, but there isn't.

As for men - I dont' wish for a boyfriend, just wish *sometimes* I knew someone loved and desired me.

So on a change of subject:4 litres of water consumed todayI'm in the pink ever so slightly, so I'm chuffed to bits! I will now not test it.

Monday I drew a 10x10 grid to mark of the days of SSing. I'm two days in thus far. If I'm naughty then the grid is started again.

I've yet another cake in the oven - and it smells divine (think cinnamon, nutmeg, rum soaked fruit and brandy). I haven't tasted it at all.Overcame some serious temptation.

See: http://www.minimins.com/news-please-read/5437-food-dump-6.html

I think 4 litres of water per day is my maximum. I don’t think I can fit anymore in without peeing myself on the way home and being on the loo throughout the night.

Just waiting for the cake to bake then off to sleep.

Doing exercise does wonders for my mood, so I'm going to make an effort to be a regular attendee.

2006-12-09T10:18:00.000Z

Tuesday 05 December 2006

The scales say : 19St 4Ibs :( L

I have a headache ..... hhmm... I wonder why? Is it because I started off well, then met a friend for drinks?!

Anyway, I'm pleased I'm still in with a chance of making it to 18St 8Ibs for New Years Eve.

I'm very lethargic today and headachey.

I've had 1 litre of water thus far and am now drinking tea.__________________

2nd Litre of water - drunk.

12:15 - drank a vegetable soup and took two pysillium husk capsules. I can't really say I was hungry but had it as it was the right thing to do! I'm halfway through a 500ml of water and am contemplating how I'm going to cope over the next few days. I really want to look nice and wear what I want to, not what I have to make do with, so I'm using that to spur me.

So far so good.

My tummy has just taken receipt of 1/2 Toffee and Walnut Shake (in the absence of my yummy ice cold cappuccino). Twas OK, but nothing to write home about. It adds variety at least.

I've also consumed 1/2 litre of water, bringing my daily total thus far, to 3 litres of water.

Flippin' wishful thinking on my part, but I did test my urine I'm not in ketosis, but I'm not hungry either - I put that down to getting into a routine of not eating much these days.

On my drive home I did start having cravings to eat, but I have taken to pinching myself and visualising AKB (Alisa's) business card to get me through.

I'm drinking tea at the moment. I have 1 more shake (probably chocolate muffin) and 1 more soup (oriental chilli) to have today, before I go to bed, or go to Salsa depending upon my mood.

I've just got back from Merry Hill. I bought a green coat.

Green is my favourite colour. There's lots on green in the shops at the moment, but not in my size. So I bought a size 16 coat for myself. To hell with it I thought, I'll shrink into it! I intend on buying more stuff in size 16 in green in anticipation of my shrinkage! I love green and blue and have never been able to whole-heartedly indulge in my love of colour because I've had to make do.

Anyway I've just tried the jacket on and it 'fits' but doesn't button up properly, which is good as I think it will do me for at least 3-4 stone of my journey.

I'm knackered and really can't be bothered to have my 3rd and 4th shakes. Naughty I know. Tomorrow will be better.

Just a note to you all who read and comment upon my diary .... thank you so much, you have no idea of how much I appreciate this, you are really helping me through.

Thanks for listening ……..

2006-12-09T10:14:00.000Z

Monday 4th December 2006

I chose to be naughty and now I'm annoyed with myself.

Sometimes I think I need saving from myself! No pity party ... just wanted to vent frustration with myself.

Tomorrow I'll bloody do this! My goal is set for May 2007! I'm only cheating myself and it is ONLY ME wo choses to be naughty. No one is forcing food down my throat.Being in ketosis is great ...! I just need to get into ketosis so that I have an incentive not to be naughty.

Whilst I'm not in ketosis I'm haunted by my chatterbox!

Spleen Vented!

2006-12-09T10:12:00.000Z

Thursday 30th November 2006

I'm feeling ill. My left tonsil has swollen up and I'm not feeling great. Oh -hum.

I've drunk 1.5 litres of water thus far today and am looking to SS now.

How much water does TOTM cause us women to retain?

I know consumption of carbs can add 3-4Ibs (sometimes more) of water.I'm a bit miffed I decided to carb the day I start my TOTM! So I'm retaining water on two counts.

Yesterday the scales said 19st 3Ibs grrr... any how, I'll be smashing through to those 18's next month and the 17's by New Years Eve!

Thanks for listening

2006-12-09T10:05:00.000Z

Wednesday 29th November 06

My TOTM (time of the month) is here with a vengence! I had nothing but back ache today and everything tasted funny.Luckily I didn't really have much of an appetite. I'm feeling the same lethargy and indifference I often feel at this time of the month.

This morning I couldn't get up, I was so knackered. I gulped down 250ml of water then drank another 1 litre in the car on the way in to work.

Got to work, consumed a load of unsalted un roasted cashews (just the way I like 'em). Then had to throw them in the bin just to stop myself from eating the whole packet.

Circa 10AM I had my 1/2 Choccie Shake with husksconsumed more water.

Circa 12:30PM I drank water and took two capsules of husk and drank my oriental chilli soup. (Note: I never take the loose husks with hot shakes/soup as they swell into a gelatinous gloop which makes me gag.) I must say it tasted rather strange! As did the turkey rashers I bought with my to ease me back into ketosis.

Thus far 3.5 litres of water consumed.

16:30 - Just as I was leaving for work I remembered I hadn't had the other half of my choccie shake so drank that in the car on the way home.Got home, went to the loo, checked my water and it's slightly pink, bizarrely.

Just drinking my Lactose Free Mushroom flavour and 500ml of water. I'll probably have a few more nuts and another shake, only because I have to (have a 4th shake). I'll also aim to gulp another litre of water.

I've had another 500ml of water taking my literage to 4.5 litres today thus far.

I've also had a 1/2 Cappiccino shake. This was the first shake I ever consumed on this diet back in February 2006 and found it repulsive! This time I made it with very cold water and of course, husks! Tasted really good! I wish I bought more.

Now I'm full and really don't fancy anything more, but I have 1/2 a packet left so have drunk it for the sake of.

Cheerio!

2006-12-09T09:46:00.000Z

Tuesday, 28 November 2006

I’ve eaten some carbohydrates at lunchtime today. I don’t’ feel guilty or bad. I’ve not had an AAM week, I’m not sure I want one given I’ve not followed the diet it it’s entirely. So just to keep my body balanced I ate couscous and salad for lunch. The carbohydrates have left me feeling very sleepy, however I know this is temporary. I’m having soup for dinner tonight and will be fully back on track tomorrow. I found the prospect rather daunting however I felt it needed to be done. Hopefully I’ll be in ketosis on Thursday and this will kick me headlong into the 18’s. Hopefully I’ll be well into them by the time I CDC which is next Sunday 10th December.

I usually break out in hideous spots and feel grotty and headachey when my periods due. Usually one week before the spots come. Today I started my P’s and no spots in sight, in fact my head knew I was due, but because I hadn’t seen the spots etc. I assumed I wasn’t. Hurrah for CD! The consumption of water and minerals must be a good help! Great!

Wish me luck and could do with your support girls and boys.

2006-12-09T09:42:00.000Z

I'm going to play catch up and post what I post on the Minimins Forum.

I am also pledge to everyone that reads my blog to write here everyday, even if it's a cut and paste jobby from my other diary (and visa versa)

Ciao Bellos & Bellas

2006-11-30T22:05:00.000Z

I haven't forgotten you, my time has been taken up posting elsewhere, will update tomorrow when I have more time.

2006-11-18T20:26:00.000Z

18th November 2006

Firstly I must apologise for not post here very often. I tend to post on www.minimins.com and then forget to post here. I will really try to post every day.

In September I reported that I was 20Stones and 8pounds (288Ibs). I've had many false starts, but I'm so on track at the moment. Sole souring isn't easy, so where opportunities arise to make sole-sourcing hard or inconvenient, I've learned to 1)not beat myself up about it and 2) where possible find a low-carb, high protein alternative.

At my last weigh in with my Cambridge Diet Counsellor I weight 19Stones 7 pounds (273Ibs), so thus far I've lost just over 1 stone, which I am sooooooo........ happy about.

17th November 2006

Well I had a late night at work yesterday because of a piece of work I forgot to do. So I saw a later viewing of Daniel Craig's body ..... *hot flush* WOWZERS - Daniel Craig is gorgeous and my ideal man.

ANYWAY the diet.... didn't really do it yesterday after work. I went to the cinema and bought some nuts to nibble on while my friend chowed down a big box of popcorn. I ate a few nuts but really didn't fancy any more.

My mate isn't the kind of person to comment on appearance, but she mentioned that I'd lost weight she was like "wow you've lost weight!" I kinda played it down as I don't really like that kind of attention, she doesn't know I'm doing CD. I must admit though, there is a little kudos to this weight loss plan isn't there; I did smile a little on the inside and promised myself I'd see this through. My friend ALWAYS looks fab and is the embodiment of style. I'm watching my money at the moment so I have decided not to purchase non-essentials until I reach 17 stones I think I can hold out until then, it's only the end of January after all. Just hard when you go out and want to look nice and trendy.

18th November 2006
Anyway .... I haven't sole sourced at all today. I'm still in ketosis, I intend on doing it tomorrow. I really enjoy and look forward to my shaes these days ... strangely foods I'd ate before do nothing for me.

I'm hoping I'm in the "18's" when I see my CDC this week.

Wish me luck!

2006-11-05T19:58:00.000Z

21-DAY HABIT FORMATION

Last night my Lighter Life magazine plopped on my doorstep. I had a quick skim and thought about how great those women featured feel and how well they look and how focused they must have all been to achieve so much.

I went to Tesco's this morning feeling rather weak willed and picked up two cheese twists from the bakery. I love cheese twists - they are croissants with sharp cheddar cheese in them. I rationalised the purchase with "I'll have the cheese twists now, it's early in the morning! Then continue the diet later on through the day, I'll still be in ketosis in a few days, just a little longer that’s all - cheese is protein!". Then I started thinking about all the achievers in my Lighter Life magazine and those on minimins again and realised that I'm cheating myself, even if I eat protein, I'm cheating myself. Cheating myself of inner happiness, cheating myself of a freer spirit, cheating myself of the habit* I want to form.

I went to the checkout determined not to eat them. I'd buy them but throw them in the bin, they’re only 59p each after all. However something made me ask the lady to ask if I could not bother with purchasing them (something I'd never have the guts or cheek to do normally). Anyway, she said yes to my happiness since £1.18 is a lot of money to waste. I walked out of Tesco with a toothbrush (what I went in for).

HABITS

So habits ...... I think the key to this Crazy Diet is habit. Those who succeed, in my opinion, are those who are more predisposed to easy habit forming. Unfortunately I'm not one of those people - I think and analyse too much. I believe the reason why the diet gets easier in time is a combination of three factors:

1) ketosis - physical change in the body that stabilises the blood sugar and eliminates hunger

2) weight loss - psychological: you see the difference in your body or on the scale and thus your will-power increases

3) habit - psychological the more and longer your do something the easier it gets.

I think that "habit" or "routine" isn't something that is specifically mentioned. There are lots of lovely encouraging folk that say "don't worry, it will get easier", but no one has specifically broached the subject of "habit-forming" which I think is the most important of the three factors mentioned above (as the other two are residuals of habit-forming).

It takes at least 21 days to form a habit. This means that you have to do something at least 21 times before it begins to become part of your everyday routine. So for me, my goal is to lose weight and in order to do that, I need to make a true commitment to doing so and in turn make a commitment to forming the "CD Habit".

How do I do this?

Setting the goal: My goal is to lose weight.

Planning and scheduling how to do it: Decide exactly how I want to undertake CD i.e. SS/790 etc. and break that down even further. For me, that means halving my shakes and consuming them at exact times, for me that means having them at two hour intervals (8 (4) shakes per day - consumed with psyllium husk) wherever possible.Planning my water consumption is also important, for me that means bringing a 500ml bottle of water up to bed with me at night and consuming it as soon as I wake in morning, then drinking another 500mls in the car on the way to work, so I've drunk 1 litre before 8AM in the morning. I write down ever 500ml I drink, so I know where I am in terms of consumption. I temporarily stop drinking water at 3pm every day, so that I can drive home uninterrupted!

Writing: writing down my goal and reading it every day: I post on here! Even my most inane thoughts and feelings are posted, sorry! If I'm doing well then I post thus enabling me to harness some of my previous positivity when I'm at my weakest.

It takes 21 days to form a habit, and akin to what has been said here so many times, "don't let anything get in the way of your schedule". Those 21 days are the "wagon".

The hardest thing of all is: if you fall off the 21 day wagon, just get back on it, and start again as if nothing happened.

Consistency and dedication is fundamental in habit forming and achieving.

Once I've reached my 21 days on the wagon I'll be pleased, but the habit is only JUST beginning to form (it takes AT LEAST 21 days for a habit to form).

One must continue until I do it, without even thinking about it, like driving!

Thanks for listening ....

2006-10-19T08:23:00.000Z

Wednesday 18th October 2006

Yesterday on the way home from work, I went to The Fort Shopping Centre, just to look around. I need new work clothes, I'm not happy wearing the clothes that I'm currently wearing. I'm not inclined to buy anything yet because I can still wear/fit the clothes I have and thus cannot justify the expense. However I did see a pair of size 22 trousers in Dorothy Perkins I tried on and they fit - just. I was chuffed to say the least. There were other clothes I'd love to buy, but can't because of the money and I think I need to reward my efforts come Christmas - when I'll really see the difference.Went into Marks and Spencer, looked around the clothes and then walked through the food isle just to see if I could do it. I did. Lots of delicious stuff to be had, but I figured - the food will be there next year as will the cothes and some new fashion anyhow. Yesterday I wasn't overly despondent, just tired. I weighed myself yesterday morning and the scales said 19st 11Ibs, so I guess that didn't help either. Today I'm still tired and listless, I'm hoping that this is just a phase of being on the Cambridge Diet and pretty soon I'll be back to my normal self ....

2006-10-17T18:54:00.000Z

Tuesday 17th October 2006

DAY 6

Well I was still away with the client all day today. What a long day!

Breakfast - scrambled egg and sausage (I had three, but ate one) black coffee

Lunch - The had sandwiches, loads and loads of them. I was gutted because I was hoping they'd have a proper buffet with chicken on skewers or quiche (I'd have just had the egg). So I ate the contents of a few sandwiches. Strange to see, but I had no choice. Some ham (don't eat it normally, but had no choice!), cucumber, egg and cheese! All washed down with water 2 litres!

Dinner - I was determined not to have any to atone for my not doing Cambridge! I got home and tested my urine, I'm still in ketosis.

I was feeling hungry, so had a mushroom soup - with some water.

So far I've drunk 3.5 litres. I'll attempt to drink another 1 litre before bed.

I really want to be 17 stones for Christmas.

Thanks!

2006-10-17T18:44:00.000Z

MONDAY 16th October - DAY 5

Monday 17th OctoberI'm currently in my hotel room away on business. Unfortunately I've HAD to go to dinner with the client. I understand I'm probably out of ketosis, but I'm hoping not by too much.
What I've had today:
Breakfast: Chocolate shake
Lunch : Oriental Chilli
small handful of peanuts - and about 500ml's of water
Dinner: ham, salad (cucumber and lettuce), tuna steak and roast chicken with some cabbage). I didn't have dessert as I went to great pains to have protein and nothing more.

I've drunk water and nothing else bar two cups of tea today.I have a whole day of this ahead of me, but I'm thinking that I shalln't eat anything tomorrow until I get home and just have water throughout the day. However I know we have a lunch with another client tomorrow which i have to attend and hob-nob. I'm determined not to jeapordise my chances of getting down to 17 stones for Christmas.

2006-10-15T16:34:00.000Z

Sunday 15 October 2006

I've had an OK. I've had a few moments where I've been peckishout of a little boredom. I've also been tempted to go buy some chocolate fudge cake - I'm not even a choccie fan, so there you have it!

Just been to be weighed and measured. I've lost a few inches all around but the best news of the lot is, I've lost 8 pounds bringing me down to 19 stones and 11Ibs. Nineteem stones is stilll a big number, but it's nice to be back in the teens! I usually celebrate any loss with something naughty and then promise myself I'll get back on track the next day ... the next day never happens though (that's why I've piled on two stones since I started this blog!)
I'm at home now am determined to stay in ketosis.

So far I've lost 11Ibs.

My goal and psychological barries is ANYWHERE under 17 stones, so 16 stones 11 pounds (235Ibs) is my interim goal.

Thanks for reading.

2006-10-15T09:22:00.000Z

Saturday 14th October
DAY 3

The day went swimmingly. I wasn't hungry at all. I was supposed to make a cake, but didn't want to risk anything happening to the state i was in.

I had:

Strawberry
Chilli
Mushroom
Banana muffin

Still in 'Moyen' I'm chuffed. I've been in ketosis before, when I was following the Atkins Diet. I remember not being hungry - I also remember how 'boring' ketosis is. Boring in the sense that one doesn't feel hunger so one doesn't experence the 'highs' associated with food consumption. It's my blood sugar, dontcha know!

I only managed to down 2.5 litres of water - not good. must try harder.

So, here's to March 07!

2006-10-14T10:29:00.000Z

Friday 13th October 2006

DAY TWO

I've never been known for doing things conventially; I finally completed a full day of the Cambridge Diet without eating one thing. Really pyschologically it's really helped, for how long I don't knoe. I managed it in part because my friend is upset with me - although I didn't find out until yesterday. My weeks worth of worry, due to no contact has culminated in me 1) discovering that he's vex because he misunderstood something I said and 2) me being in ketosis.

It's worth mentioning that I started to go into ketosis on Thursday. However I had chicken nuggets on the way home from work. Nevertheless I checked my urine when I got home and discovered I sterted to 'show' i.e. there were ketones in my urine.

Friday I didn't eat or even have a shake because I was coming to the realisation that my friend was upset with me. I guess that helped. I checked my urine and the strip was lovely a pink and was "Moyen" on the colour chart. Yippeee.

2006-10-08T12:42:00.000Z

Sunday 7th October

I unceremoniously fell of the 'wagon' so to speak yesterday. It was sheer boredom. So DAY 1 is today.
I've been to the gym and did 30 minutes Spin (aka RPM), then did a 1 hour body combat class. I ache all over and I'm super- the sweat was unbelievable! It's all in the name of me using up the glycogen stores in my body and going to the gym helps regulate my mood - makes me feel happy and alive.
I've been going to the gym a wee bit now, but today I thought there is little point going to the gym to lose weight if I'm not addressing what I'm eating. So I need to stay on this Crazy Diet to succeed and be who I want to be inststead of this crazy mixed up, insecure person I've turned into over the last 5 years.

My menu for today:

breakfast: Strawberry Shake

lunch: lactose free mushroom soup

dinner: oriental chilli soup

afters: vanilla shake/muffin

I've replenished my water loss from exercise. I intend to consume another 3 litres before bed.

Wish me luck!

I'll post back just before bed to tell you how I got on.

Much Love

G. xx

2006-09-30T15:14:00.000Z

Saturday 30th September 2006

Hi there.

I've had a lovely time doing all of what I've been doing. My weight is at 130.6kg (20st 8Ibs) . Tomorrow is the 1st October 2006. I'd like to lose some weight for Christmas and my salsa-dancing new years eve party.

So once again I'm declaring myself back into the race for Sole Sourcing on the Cambridge diet. I've deliberately kept away from here because there has been no urge to post as I haven't been following the plan, however as of tomorrow I'll be here regularly.

In addition I've told friends (one in particular) that meeting is off the cards. He wasn't too impressed with that as he thinks I'll buckle his response was "we'll see, you'll not be able to go without a Monyt's (a lovely Nepalese/Indian restaurant in Ealing, west London) for too long". He of little faith and belief, funny because when I berated him for his words, he suggested that it was because he felt I was being to harsh on myself. I explained that I've been substantially overweight for a long time and my being hard on myself is WHAT IS REQUIRED because I'm ruining my life, I'm depleting future funds from the 'Bank of Me' - I'm killing my future self. Well he is a good friend, but he' cautious and risk averse and doesn't believe in food addictions (even though I've tried to explain it to him and he assures me he understands, but I know he doesn't) so doesn't think such a "drastic" approach is necessary. Well I do - even if it is BLOODY HARD, however like every thing, the human body is fabulous and I'll work myself into a routine in no time.

Anyway, here's to tomorrow.

Much love all .......

2006-09-13T21:03:00.000Z

Wednesday 13th September 2006 -
weight 20 Stones 8 Pounds (although it said 20'6 this morning)

I made it! :-)

I jolly well made it. Not without some real willpower though.Today was tough, really tough, but it's getting through a full day that really helps my mind adjust. I just hope I fall into a routine very quickly and make it through.

My day was as follows:

Gym (7:30AM - 8AM): 15 minutes on bicycle, resistance working. I must try to get to the gym so that I can have a full hours worth of sweat and hard-graft! My going to the gym is also my attempt at getting to the state of ketosis that much quicker.

Water, tea, water tea. Then I started to feel grouchy and sad. I nearly bought crisps under the pretence of "what harm can 1 packet do". Stress at work and working with some obnoxious people doesn't help.

Went into Tesco with the intention of choosing from a larger selection of crisps, but my resolve allowed me to leave with mouthwash and razors!

14:00hrs - Mushroom soup - with lots of water
15:00hrs - Warm strawberry shake - more water

On the way home I had to strengthen my resolve once more. This time I called a friend and told him how I was feeling. He doesn't know I'm on this Cambridge Diet, but his words helped.

20:45hrs - Mushroom soup - water
21:30hrs - strawberry shake muffin. Water.

I think I only managed 2 litres of water today, if that! So must try and up the quantity tomorrow.

Alas I'm not in ketosis yet, but may be tomorrow? Hopefully by Saturday if I can get that far. Never mind "one day at a time" right now I'm taking it 'one hour at a time' until further notice....

Thanks for listening ... my goad is still 10 stones 8 pounds.

xxx

2006-09-03T21:59:00.000Z

Sunday 3rd Sept?

At least I think that's the date.

I've come back from my holiday. There is a HUGE moth in the house; the cheeky blighter snuck in whilst I was dragging my heavy suitcase through the door. It's made me a bag of nerves. The largest moth i've ever seen.

I haven't weighed myself, but I know I've put on LOADS of weight, but that's to be expected with what I ate. I think the best time to weigh myself would be in the morning when all my food has digested ...

.... the scales show 20st 8.5Ibs at the moment.

Back tomorrow with analysis of my first day on Cambridge. Hopefully a miserable day surrounded by horrid, anally retentive work colleagues won't spoil things.

xxx

2006-08-23T21:02:00.000Z

Wednesday 23rd August

I had a fitness test yesterday, but I forgot to post the results, so here goes:

My Systolic Blood Pressure is: NORMAL
My Dastolic Blood Pressure is NORMAL

My resting heart rate is: 72 beats per minute - which is just within average, so I'm not so unfit! However I'd like to lower it to 60 as it was a two years ago. It's worth bearing in mind that I've always been heavy, so I think I've done' pretty darn well all these years.

My BMI: 42.77 - really bad!

THREE STONES ( 42Ibs = 19kilograms) by Christmas! I'll do it!

I've been Ok today. I don't feel full - which is great. It means I haven't over eaten to a huge extent. I am trying honestly gov!

I went to Next and saw so many clothes that would suit the slim size12/14 me! I can't wait.

My weight: 20stones 4pounds STILL but that's OK, as it's still better than 20st 8Ibs or putting weight on. I just can't weight to get stuck into Cambridge and banish my demon once and for all.

I'm not looking forward to sitting in the aeroplane seat on Sunday ..... I'm just looking forward to being back on Sunday God willing and creating the new me.

Please keep reading, please keep posting your comments - I am so grateful for the kind words you write and knowing people are out there routing for me is encouraging.

xxxx

2006-08-22T21:59:00.000Z

Tuesday 22nd August

My computer is on it's last legs...... eeak! Anyoen out there wanna buy me a new one?! LOL

Today wasn't a bad day. I have been trying to be good since Monday. My weight is still 20st 4Ibs, but i'd rathe that, than it go up. I really believe I can reach my goal by my next birthday, but most importantly acheive 3 stones weight loss before Christmas.

I went to the gym and FINALLY had an induction, so at least I have a programme to follow. I also went swimming - something I should have done yesterday. I have no idea how many lengths I swam, circa 15 I reckon. I found my rythm and just kept going and I feel great for it. I'm really really looking forward to getting to grips with Cambridge.

Thanks for listening.

xxxx

2006-08-21T21:53:00.001Z

Monday 21st August

I wanted to go to the gym today. Didn't make it as work finished too late. My knees are still hurting so fancied a awim, but no time.

Going to the doctors tomorrow, I'm going to ask him to test my cholesterol levels. There's no point in discussing my knees, he'll tell me I need to eat less and exercise more - which is true. I'm going to Ireland for a week next week and I'm draeding it. I don't know how my self-control will be.

I'll have to take things easy, until I come back to Britain so I can't tear into the Sole Sourcing.

Lots of love all xxx

2006-08-21T21:53:00.000Z

MONDAY 21st August

Current weight 20st 4Ibs - 128.8kgs

2006-08-20T03:40:00.000Z

20th August 2006

Current weight: 20st 8 Ibs (288 Ibs - 130.6 kgs)

It's my 29th Birthday today. I went out and had a nice time. My bust is huge at the moment!

I took a lot of old stuff to the charity shop today - clothes that are too tight or just don't fit. I figured that I won't want to wear them even when I've lost enough weight to.

My bones ache and click and I'm having trouble going up and down stairs. Even getting up off of chairs is a struggle for me now.

For the first time ever I'm feeling the strain of being overweight.

I have exaclty 52 weeks to make amends with my body and the abuse I've hurled at it for 29 years.

I pray that I can muster the confidence in myself to believe I can do it - this is what has stoppped me befire; the lack of belief in myself.

Thanks for listening. Off to bed now .... 4:45AM in the morning!

2006-08-15T21:21:00.000Z

Please don't be annoyed with me.

I haven't been following the diet ..... no real reason as to why. I just haven't. Last week Friday I had my soup and depressed over it.

Don't worry I'm confident I can lose 3 stones by Christmas and reach my goal weight before my 30th birthday.

My friend is in Belfast at the moment and wants me to come visit her for my birthday weekend ..... (tis my birthday on Sunday), should I go or should I save my money?

I think personally I don't feel able to do this diet with a holiday on the horizon ... what I want is a whole 4-6 weeks free of anything so I can concentrate on the diet. I don't want to be thinking about Cambridge shakes on holiday - it just isn't a holiday then is it?

I love you all ......

2006-08-03T05:07:00.000Z

3rd August 2006

I honestly haven't been as committed as I was last week. I got very cocky and reaped the consequences! I've just weighed myself, I'm now 280Ibs (20 stones) not the 282Ibs (20 stones and 2Ibs) I was last week, so by Saturday I should have at least expelled the water I've accumulated due to the carbs I've eaten.

Today will be the day I get back on board fully. Yesterday was a good day, apart from me needing the toilet a zillion times. I live about 50 miles away from where I work so you can imagine the sheer inconvenience of having to up ones water to at least 2.25 litres per day. I think I managed 3 litres in total with black herbal (rooibos) tea making up about 0.25 litres of my intake.

Apparently the more water I drink the easier it will be and the more weight I lose. I hear of people sinking 6 litres per day - how on God's green earth do they do that?!!! :-)

Much love ........

Foxxy!

2006-07-31T20:30:00.000Z

Monday 31st July 2006

Well ... circumstances were up against me today.
Tomorrow is another day. As I get into Cambridge I'll be able to counter these life 'arisings' that happen to thwart progress.

Much love and luck all.

20Stones 2Ibs .... 9 stones to lose.

2006-07-21T22:52:00.000Z

ROLL ON THE RAIN!!!!!

I'm so hot! I'm not coping with all this heat ggrrr.....! :-)

Anyway I'm seeing my Cambridge Counsellor tomorrow and I can honestly say I've been looking forward to it all week. A new beginning ... I really do feel ready.

I'll be back on here to report how the meeting went.

Lots of love ...

xxxxxx

2006-07-15T23:04:00.000Z

Saturday 15th July 2006

Oh the irony; the fatter one is the more invisible one feels.

I went to salsa last night. It's the first time I've been in ages. I tend not to go because I'm ignored, I guess the chaps feel i'd be too imobile to dance with. I used to think salsa was fantastic, because going out for the night wasn't about what a girl looked like, it was all about the dancing. How quickly I realised that ment want to dance with pretty girls.

I'm so bitter about society. Can't help it though. Everything is geared around 'ideals' and I'm the antitheses of those ideals. Everyone wants to feel wanted - I want to feel as though I belong, I don't want to stand out, thus I have to conform.

E-mailed my Cambridge Counsellor; she doesn't normally reply to my e-mails, OK by me. called her to confirm an appointment for Saturday week, but unusually her voicemail clicked on, so either she's on holiday or somethings wrong. she's harsh, strict, but I really do believe I'll succeed with her, I like her sterness in a perverse way - despite the fact she sometimes pisses me off. I'm hoping to get fully on track come Friday. I'm away on business for part of this week which will disrupt my success. I want a clear 7 days of coing Cambridge without any breaks.

It's also strange how friends become experts in weight loss when one attempts to discuss it. I'll keep my mouth shut and do it my own way I think. Have you ever suspected sabotage? An unwillingness by friends to support you for fear of you being a success? Fear of you becoming the person you really ought to be, no longer the subservient 'crowd pleaser'. I may not have begun to achieve my goal, but I will then I will know who my friends really are ...............

20st 1.5Ib at this moment in time.

Much love to you all. If you have any tales of inspiration, please share them with me.

Lots of love ...

Foxxy xxxxxxx

2006-07-09T15:53:00.000Z

Sunday 9th July 2006

Gee whizz. Doesn't time fly when you're busy.

I'm sorry guys for not posting on here for a while. Life has been hectic to say the least. Everytime I go to post, something else crops up. I also have a new job, which tales up a lot of my strength. In addition I'm also trying to do 30 minutes cardio-vasular exercise at least 5 days per week, so I'm often running out of time to post.

Now that my computer is back up and running (fingers crossed, no more virus nasties) , I'll be able to post last thing before bed.

Much love, (still fat)

Foxxy xxx

2006-06-06T22:46:00.000Z

6th June 2006,

Hi everyone, i can't believe how supportive you all are. THANK YOU.

I've been run off my feet attempting to cope with life. My sister is ill and has been in hospital. It was all rather sudden and completely draining on the family.

Thanks for supporting me. I'll be back tomorrow, to blog!

2006-05-24T05:04:00.000Z

24th May 2006

It's cold and rainy outside even though the date on my calender tells me it's the end of May.

I'm on my period and feel sweaty and tormented, and it's caused me to wake up really early. Most of all I feel fat and miserable.

I have a nasty habit of looking at things retrospectively and then dwelling on them as though they are important when they aren't. If I had stuck to the Cambridge Diet since my first ever post on this here blog I'd be around 5 stones (70Ib's / 31.8kgs) lighter.
Instead I'm ....... I'm ashamed to say I've just weighed myself and the scales say 20st and 2Ibs (127.9kgs / 282Ibs).

I feel so tormented. I can't sleep at all hence the reason why I've snuck in and used this computer (my computer isn't working, I need to reload Windows).

I invested in some scales so that I could keep my own track on my weight. I've just weighed myself and the scales read as follows:

Weight: 20st 2Ibs [127.9kgs]
Body fat percentage: 45%
Body Water percentage: 33%

BMI - 41.6437 (courtesy of NHS Direct)

(If your BMI is over 40 you're very obese. This means you're seriously over the ideal weight for your height. Are you eating too many foods that are high in fat and sugar? In order to lose this extra weight you need to make positive changes to your lifestyle and stick to them. Losing weight will help prevent severe health problems such as heart disease and diabetes and extend your life expectancy.)

This has got to stop!!! Ideally:

Weight: 11st 2Ibs [70.9kgs]
Body fat percentage: 25%
Body Water percentage: 50%
BMI - 18-24 (courtesy of NHS Direct)

Problem I need to stop listening to the detractors who tell me I look fine, because I don't.

2006-05-15T08:09:00.000Z

Monday 15th May 2006

Hhhmmmm well I lost 7Ibs this week.
Started at 19st 11Ibs on Tuesday (9th May) and weighed 19st 4Ibs by the following Saturday (13th May).
I breathed a sigh of relief as I couldn't bear another 'telling off'.

I'm going to attempt the 21-day "habit forming" rule.

Thanks for listening.

My computer is on the blink AGAIN (((ggrrr....))) so my posting here may not be daily. I'll try to be however.

2006-05-10T10:51:00.000Z

Tuesday 9th May 06

Survived!

Well I did it. I completed my first day.My day went like this:

Breakfast: Strawberry Shake
Lunch: Vanilla Shake

Gym - 40 mins

Dinner: Crisps (made from vegetable soup) with a green salad and black pepper.

My CDC suggested I have 4 shakes per day (I'm 5'9) and have a green salad* with my lunch and dinner shakes, just to help me get over the feeling of not chewing.

This is the first time EVER I've dreaded the impending warm weather. I have no clothes and the clothes in the shops are not my style and the ones that do appeal some don't fit.

As I said before, I now start my journey at 19st 11Ibs (277Ibs / 125.6kgs)

2006-05-09T10:33:00.000Z

Tuesday 9th May 2005

Well I went to see my (abrasive) counsellor yesterday. She seems to think I have an issue with food and may be the diet isn't suited to me. I think all the more reason for me to do it in my humble opinion. However I DONT think I have issues. Sometimes if someone is told something enough they'll believe it.

I don't have an issue with food. I'm just bone-idle.

I'm about to tuck into my first shake of the day and my first shake in about 6 weeks!

I guess yet another journey begins.

Much love ... all!

2006-05-08T14:54:00.000Z

Monday 8th May 2006

I've just returned from a trip to the Lake District. Beautiful scenery and the food is to die for.

ANyway I resolved myself to losing weight this week. I've never felt so fat in all my life (even though I've been heavier).

I think a huge part of my failure thus far with all my diets is, I trully don't believe I could ever be much smaller than the size I am. I think it's a barrier to my discipline.

I've just contacted my Cambridge Counsellor so will see her tonight.

Much love everyone who reads this.

2006-04-24T19:33:00.000Z

Who AM I Trying to FOOL??!!!!!

Monday 24th April 2006

I went to Boots to weigh myself today, the first time in ages. I'm 19st 8Ibs.

As a result I spent £61 on perfume.

I'm so stressed at the moment, I wish I could go into it all but I can't at the moment. I am disgusted with myself, so very disgusted. I knew I put on weight, but I didn't realise how much.

I burst into a fit of uncontrollable tears after watching Run For Glory on BBC1 this evening.

I've stopped now, but I'm so stressed when I should be feeling happy.

Cheers and thanks for listening.

xxxxxx

2006-04-21T08:16:00.000Z

Friday 21st April - Queen's birthday.

Where has all the time gone!

It's been a while since I last posted something and that's because I've been supremely busy. I'll start posting properly tomorrow.

My car is completely knackered - I can't drive it so I have had to take out a loan to buy a new one - not good, but I have no choice.

I've had computer viruses, I've been dealing with. I'm no computer buff, so it took me a while.

I've had lots of job interviews, with more to come.

I hope you are all still reading?

Back tomorrow!

Much Love.

2006-04-10T10:10:00.000Z

Monday 10th April,

It's been a busy week and no I haven't been sticking to things, I have been assessing the plan ahead in the recesses of my mind though.

My back aches. Think I may have pulled a muscle, or possibly it's my body telling me it's time to start losing weight.

I've been drinking lots of water. I've also made a conscious decision to walk a whole lot more, which I did successfully last week. Unfortunately I'm at a conference all week so will not be able to post daily updates etc.

Hopefully I'll be back on track very very soon. I'll also post my weight.

Love all.

xx

2006-04-03T12:55:00.000Z

Just had my first shake of the day and found it to taste awful. I quickly washed it down with some water. I'm feeling cold now though.

Here's to losing weight.

2006-03-28T21:04:00.000Z

TUESDAY 29th March 2006

Stress at work, feeling generally unloved by family (but whats new?!)

Good intentions went awry. I'm not proud of myself.

That's all I want to say.

Tomorrow.

I'm not a failure, I'm not a failure, I'm not a failure.

TOMORROW!!!!!!!

Vanilla - Breakfast
Strawberry - Lunch
Mushroom (yum!) - Dinner
Chocolate 'muffin' - dessert

I'm not a failure. I will lose at LEAST 4 stones by the end of this year!

2006-03-27T14:33:00.000Z

MONDAY 27th MARCH 2006

Hi there,

Thank you all for your support (I thought the only person reading this was Zesty!). I am suitably chuffed.

Bad News ....

.... I'm afraid.

I didn't get the job and that has sent me in a downward spiral. Apparently I was "close" and they were "torn", but that really means nothing as I still didn't get the job. I'm stuck in this job which really is nothing more than a glorified cleaner (not that there is anything wrong with being a cleaner, but that wasn't my aim in life). I'm now 19st 3Ibs

Last week I went for a 3rd interview for another job, I spent the whole day doing presentations sitting tests all on 4 hours sleep - my current job has been demanding of my time. I was so tired I went the wrong way down the motorway; I've NEVER done that in my entire life.

It's Monday and it seems I haven't got this job either ..... and yes I've comfort ate like there's no tomorrow.

However, seeing your comments has inspired me to try again. I'm scared of dying young and all I want to be is fit and healthy. I love exercise, but hate doing it because of my weight; the fat hinders me.

I promise to blog every day and report on my progress.

Thanks for reading and sharing your comments with me.

Much Love YYY

2006-03-20T15:53:00.000Z

Disappointment

Saw my CD Counsellor on Saturday (she decided that I needed to see her on my own - which seems to be fair).

I'm STILL 18st 10Ibs, I blame it on not following the Cambridge Diet properly. Although I was in Ketosis, I ate nuts to stave off hunger.

She's put me on the 1000kcal diet;

Cambridge for breakfast + 250ml of skimmed milk + fruit
Cambridge for lunch, plus salad, plus 1 piece of fruit
Low GI meal + fruit

She says doing this is better than nothing, I'll still lose weight but not at the same rate. The CD is just not suited to me.

I think I'm a failure in as much as I don't have any will-power and I'm ashamed of myself.

Thanks for listening.

2006-03-17T10:53:00.000Z

17th March 2006

Happy St. Patricks Day to you!

I was absolutely starving last night. When I got home I decided to try the Mushroom soup (the lactose free one). I have to say it was very tasty, I actually quiet enjoyed it. Then I tried some cayenne pepper in it, which added a little zing the the proceedings.It was thick and yummy and filled me up.

I've so far resisted carbs, (in spite of having them literally shoved in my face by well-meaning colleagues), hopefully when I see my Cambridge Diet Counsellor tomorrow, I will for the first time see some weight loss.

My face certainly looks slimmer, although that may just be my imagination.
I am hungry at the moment ..... not good so I'll indulge in a shake soon.

2006-03-15T07:42:00.000Z

15th March 2006

I've lost my Disgo memory stick! It had my presentation on it. The presentation is being done as part of a recruitment process for a new job.

Yesterday I was so upset ... why are things so hard for me - that's what I thought.

I am tired of this dead end job, I'm disliking my boss and this establishment with everyday that passes .... and when I have a real opportunity to leave my crummy job, I misplace my memory stick! The only reason I had it was because the idiot that messed up my PC wanted it to download a driver on it so that my PC could get working! How vex am I?!! VERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a 4 hour cry, stuffed my face with scraps of cake and ate a plate of cauliflower, asparagus and cod (in butter sauce). Then when I couldn't take it anymore, went to bed.

I dunno how I'm going to fair on Sat when my counsillor weighs me. Right now I don't care.

2006-03-14T17:47:00.000Z

Tuesday 14th March 2006

Hhmmmm well, I have my PC at home back, but it's been absolutley ruined, so I'm STILL stuck with staying at work late just to roam the net - not good as I have things to do and prepare for. I could cry! 8 yrs worth of e-mails GONE!

Anyway, I've been attempting Cambridge diet all week - successfully? Who knows. My counsellor weighed me on Sunday, I'm 18st10 - however I've lost inches, bizarrely (I reckon it's my sports bra!)

Yesterday morning, 6AM, I went for the first of many runs in 2006, I only managed to run continuously for 5.5 minutes before I had to stop I used to be ablt to run for 30 minutes without stopping (I have never in my adult life been less than 16.5 stones). My run was 12 minutes in total (I had a 1.5 minute break).

I think my two reasons for losing weight are:
1. become attractive (improve my confidence)
2. get fit - stay fit; weight doesn't help.

My emotions have been up and down, when I've felt out of control I've been munching on Macadamia's - sacrilege I know, but they keep me in ketosis.

Anyway, that all from me!

2006-03-08T12:05:00.000Z

DAY 1/100 (8th March 2006)

Part 1
Day 1 of day 100, so far, so good. Midday has just passed and I'm feeling OK, no hunger.

Part 2
Today I had to whisper to myself "I AM STRONG, I CAN DO THIS", I then threw the mini babybel in the bin, drank a 2nd shake and was OK.

Now (at 17:00hrs) I'm thinking about macadamia nuts. There aren't any here, but boy I'd devour them if they were.

When I get home, I will once again tell myself I am strong and in control and settle down to my third shake of the day.

Sometimes we need to verbalise our inner strength to reaffirm our physical strength.

Thanks for listening.

xxx

2006-03-08T10:37:00.000Z

8th March 2006

I've decided to start again - the only thing stopping me is me. I'll take it one hour at a time.

2 stones by April 30th, thats what I'm aiming for.

Thanks for listening.

2006-03-06T14:30:00.000Z

Monday 6th March,

Was my friends birthday yesterday, but as yet I haven't had time to wish her happy birthday due to the time difference (she's in LA), I must do that.

Anyway I'm curerntly munching through a fruit and nut flapjack - in the full knowledge I won't be tomorrow. I have been extremely busy and couldn't risk the constant toilet breaks I'd be taking had I been following the Cambridge diet. I had a job interview today things seemed to go OK. I went in thinking positively, in the full knowledge I believed I can do the job and I conveyed the point to the intervierwers also. "I'm here because I believe I can do the job". If I'm unsuccessful I believe it will be their loss.

I've also just found out that I've been called for a 2nd interview elsewhere - so I am happy. My current job get me down a little as I'm surrounded by negative inward thinking people, not good.

As for my diet and exercise? Well, Friday was filled walking and Salsa dancing ..... Saturday was thwarted because of more snow.

Oh well .... here's to tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

2006-03-03T09:32:00.000Z

3rd March 2006.

Firstly a HUGE thank you for reading my blog.

I nearly threw up drinking my (usually lovely) Chocolate Mint shake yesterday morning. I've changed my ideals.

I'll perservere with Cambridge in my own time (it's a mental thing). I'm committing to exercising at least 3 times per week for 30 minutes.

I haven't done regular exercise for about 6 months and I'm REALLY feeling it now.

Yesterday I went to the gym, despite the snow and the very very very cold conditions (-5 yesterday). I wanted to get to a yoga class that I found, but I was too late, the class had alread started when I got there, well when one can only drive at 20 miles per hour on icy roads I can't say I was too upset at myself. So I drove to my local gym instead and worked out. My schedule was as follows:

2 minutes on the exercise bike, easy pedalling.
5 minutes stretching arms, legs, calf etc.
10 minutes on the bike, hard pedalling.
2 x 12 sit-ups on an elovated bench
15 minutes on the cross trainer (1 minute out of every five, pedalling backward)
2 x 12 seated row (15kgs weights)
3 minutes on the running machine

Job done.

2006-02-28T14:41:00.000Z

28th February 2006 -

on the cusp of yet another new month ....

..... and not an ounce of progress made.

I just can't seem to get into this diet and I keep backsliding.

I've lost a little weight (I'm now 18st 9) but I haven't sole-sourced.

I seem to have a mental block about the whole thing.I can't being myself to it. I've done it for 2.5 days at the end of January, but can't bring up the momentum again.

March beckons and I see myself facing another fat, hot, conscious, sweaty, tented (fat people wear tents) summer.

What is wrong with me?

Tomorrow is a new day I suppose.

2006-02-28T13:15:00.000Z

I'm still here.

2006-02-23T10:43:00.000Z

22nd February 2006 (in retrospect 23/02/2006)

Well I managed to get through the day as follows:

Cheese & chicken - with a chocolate mint shake

Lunch - Cheese & chicken again with a strawberry shake

Dinner:Cheese with roast chicken

Damn when I look at it I didn't have too many shakes!

ANyway I'm going to attempt to Sole Source for 23/02/06.

Didn't get much sleep because once again I woke twice to use the toilet - I'm drinking loads of water, so I'm feeling exhausted and my eyelids are having muscle spasms.

These shakes are supposed to be nutritionally complete, so I will force myself to drink all 4 on the 23rd/Feb/2006.

Still no exercise, I just don't have the energy.

I have mixed feelings about my job offer - Stoke is 30 (so thats a 60 mile journey per day) miles from where I am and the wage package being offered doesn't justify the journey. So I'm trying to negotiate. If it isn't in my favour then I'll have to walk away. I hate confrontation; which I guess is a trait of built up in me because being big, people assume you are aggresive. Anyway I dreaded telling mmy potential future employers that I need more money ... I've never done that before, however I "felt the fear - and did it anyway".

I was thinking may be I should employ such a tactic on my love life and confidence around men?

Thanks for listening.

2006-02-22T09:25:00.000Z

21st February 2006 - (retrospective view point)

I've just had a little cheese and egg mayo as I'm feeling quite rough today and somewhat sleep deprived. My head is also hurting.

Why am I feeling sleep deprived? - I went to bed at circa 11:15pm last night, my alarm goes off at 4:45am. I'm usually OK - however the last two nights have consisted of me using the toilet 3+ times per night.

Anyway - I tested my urine last night and this morning and the Ketostick indicates that I'm on the first rung of Ketosis i.e. there is a trace of Ketones in my urine.

Tomorrow I'm back to sole sourcing. No protein just the shakes. When I sole sourced before, the Ketostick turned very very deep purple, one rung from the maximum, on the third day. I was very hydrated at the time. However I did have a hardcore work-out at the gym the day before (2nd day sole source), so that would have helped deplete my glycogen stores.

I'm not feeling great though as I say my head hurts and I'm exhausted and just wanted to stay in bed this morning. I suspect my grottiness is attributed to my lack of sleep.

I wanted to do some exercise - I miss being fit, but this week has been a washout thus far.

On another note - my very tight trousers feel less tight. Strange, but true.

Thanks for listening.

2006-02-21T08:27:00.000Z

21st February 2006

Weak Moment! followed by Iron Will

I'm hungry. I went to bed with no appetite at all. Now I'm ravenous. I got to Birmingham New Street and actually went to Marks and Spencers to buy some cheese to nibble. Fortunately I didn't buy any.

I'm still hungry though. I'm waiting an hour or so I don't suffer afternoon hunger pangs. I will hopefully glug 1 litre before 9:30am.

I've had my chocolate mint shake (breakfast) and a strawberry shake (lunch) supplemented by one mouthful of cheese and egg mayonnais & prawns this afternoon.

Inspiration.....

Just had a really inspirational voicemail from my Cambridge Diet Counsellor.

She really believes in me, more than I probably believe in myself.

She knows how weak-willed I am too, but she says "you can do it" and if it gets tough, not to be hard on myself i.e. have something to eat, to save myself from backsliding completely.

I must admit, her words of support have jollied me, at this moment in time when I can feel my tonsils flaring up AGAIN.

I'm going home in a moment. Once I get home I will drink a Vanilla/Coffee shake (yum) with a 1/2 litre of water. Then I will test my urine for ketones. If I'm in dire need of something savoury i will buy a chicken breast from Asda again and eat it with cheese as I did yesterday.

Good News?

On another note, I've been offered a new job - with better scope and prospects. Only problem is it's in Stoke (which I don't mind), however I'd be on less money than I am currently earning, so travelling to stoke may prove rather costly.

Decisions ..... decisions ........

Thanks for reading.

2006-02-21T08:17:00.000Z

20 February 2006

I seemed to get through yesterday fine. Although I must drink more fluid; at least 5 litres of liquid per day.

So my intake as follows:

1/3 vanilla shake sachet before I left for work - just to warm me up on the train. It's cold outside!

Breakfast: Vanilla Shake (with decaffinated coffee)

Lunch: Strawberry shake

Dinner: Vanilla shake

Supper: chicken breast topped with cheese - I'm allowed 4 shakes per day. In hindsight I could have survived on the four, since I didn't actually have 4 shakes yesterday (I had 3⅓), but I really needed some savoury food to keep my sanity and since the savoury Cambridge shakes make me gag, this was the best alternative and I'm happy with it.

Went to bed and read some information out of my Atkins Diet book on Ketosis and Benign Dietary Ketosis (a phrase coined by him).

I'm just wondering how long it will take to fall into ketosis.

2006-02-20T10:34:00.000Z

20th February 2006

Day 2 of Sole Sourcing.

I'm not feeling bad at all really. Obviously my body has plenty of glycogen stores!

I drank loads of water yesterday, to the point that my poo was like having the runs!

Went to see my Cambridge Counsellor yesterday. She seemed positive and I guess some of the positivity rubbed off on me.

My measurements haven't changed, but my weight has. I'm now 18st 12, which isn't too bad.

I now have 4 flavours shakes to enjoy
Vanilla,
Vanilla+decaff coffee,
ChocMint,
Strawberry

I'm pleased my journey has been be lessened by virtue of having less weight to lose.

I'll test for ketosis on Wednesday.

Drinking my Vanilla&Coffee as I type I have a meeting and don't want to drink my shake there.

Thanks for reading.

2006-02-20T07:58:00.000Z

20th February 2006

Hi there,

Well I completed my first day yesterday (19th February 06). I'm hungry. Oh well here's to shifting some weight.

Someone suggested adding some coffee (I use decaf) to my shakes to add variety. It certainly works, so I'm chuffed I have effectively 4 flavours a day now!

Want to start exercising again as I feel desperately unfit and I don't like it. So will start running again this evening only 30 minutes run/walk schedule. Running is FREE!

I have an interview on Friday, fingers crossed!

Thanks for listening.

2006-02-17T08:25:00.000Z

17th February 2006

Don't think I'm in Ketosis.

Seeing my counsellor on Sunday for some shakes.

Ii've decided upon:

Chocolate Mint (breakfast)
Strawberry (lunch)
Vanilla (dinner)
Vanilla (night cap)

I'm positive though.

2006-02-16T15:36:00.000Z

16th February 2006

Well I had a vanilla shake for breakfast. Drank lots of water.

Then I attempted to stomach a banana shake for lunch, but heaved, so in order to have a chance of obtaining Ketosis I opted for a chicken, cheese and mayo mix over sliced cucumber.

I'll be testing my surine tonight when I get home.

Dinner will be another vanilla shake.

2006-02-16T08:39:00.000Z

15th FEBRUARY 2006

Got home and drank a banana shake, which made me want to heave, didn't enjoy it.

HHhhmmmm... then went to Sainsbury's yesterday to buy some emergency portein supplies to get me through the first couple of days of the Cambridge Diet, as I know it can be rough.

Picked up organic eggs, a packet of fresh tuna steak, prawns and roast chicken and some scones and picked them up 69p they were.

I figured I could start my Cambridge Diet another day instead. (CD is a low calorie -low carbohydrate diet)

After much will power I put those lovely warm fresh scones down and walked to the counter with my 'protein'.

I wouldn't say I was chuffed and proud of myself, I just felt deprived.

Got home and 'treated' myself to a warm Vanilla shake and a few slices of chicken.

Then I went to bed.

Hopefully I'll be in ketosis in no time.

Thanks for listening

2006-02-15T07:43:00.000Z

15th February 2006

Yeeehhaaaaa...! The day after Valentines thank gawd.

Anyway I went to Boots last night to weight myself and find out how much I really weigh and how much I need to lose.

What I love about Boots (the chemist) is that the weighing machine gives me my ideal weight (in imperial and metric) so I have something to aim for.

DATE: 14/02/2006
WEIGHT: 19stones 2lbs (121.6Kgs)
TARGET WEIGHT: 10stones 6lbs (66.2Kgs)

This equates to a total weight loss of: 8stones 10 lbs (55.4kgs)

I also took measurements of myself.

WEIGHT: 19stones 2lbs (121.6Kgs)
ANKLE: 9½" (24.1cm)
CALF: 17½" (44.5cm)
THIGH: 34" (86.4cm)
FOREARM: 11" (27.9cm)
BICEP: 13" (33.0cm)
HIPS: 55" (139.7cm)
WAIST: 45¾" (116.2cm)
MIDRIFF: 49¾" (126.4cm)
BUST/CHEST: 41½" (105.4cm)

I must admit the Cambridge Diet is the hardest diet I've done and will ever do. Just to get into it takes so much willpower and discipline.

2006-02-14T15:51:00.000Z

14th February 2006

Almost time for me to go home so this will be my last post today.

I'm OK. I'm in a decent enough mood.

2006-02-14T10:21:00.000Z

14th February 2006 -

Happy Valentines Day xxx
(I didn't intend on acknowledging this day, but it's all around me)

Did crap yesterday.

I feel addicted to food lately. It's a horrible situation to be in and I'm hating it quite a lot. It's a vicious circle.

I worry about my career prospects - the job I'm in is worthless and not going anywhere. I've learnt nothing new.

I had the first of two job interviews yesterday. It went OK. The job sounds fab, but I don't feel confident about getting it. My confidence is at a low in all aspects of my life.

I worry about money - I don't earn much and have £13,000 worth of student debt (I have two degrees and I'm in a job that insults my qualifications and work experience; the job isn't what they advertised) to pay off.

If I'm honest I'm a trifle lonely too.

I eat to comfort myself from it all. Yet I loathe the way I look and the way I feel. It's been ages since I went to the gym so I'm going to start going again as I think that makes me feel better about things.

Back on the wagon today, but I wonder for how long before the demons get to me.

Life is such a struggle. I feel I've been struggling for a very very long time.

May be bloody Valentines Day has affected me more than I wanted it to, ggrrrr.......!

Thanks for listening. As always comments/words of support and advise are welcome.

xxxxx

2006-02-13T11:30:00.000Z

MONDAY 13th FEBRUARY 2006

The weekend was conducted with culinary debauchery for which I have no regrets. I didn’t do that well because I didn’t each that much, and didn’t consume the foods I really craved, much to my chagrin.

Why no regrets?

Because I knew I’d be starting the Cambridge Diet today Monday 13th February 2006. So here I am, the day before Valentines day so far surviving on my first shake, Vanilla. Vanilla is nice warm and I always have to have a warm drink in the mornings – they seem to possess more substance. I’ve also drank 500ml of water and 350ml of herbal tea. I should be aiming for about 5 litres per day so I’m not even close as yet.

I’m feeling sick (my throat is still sore) dizzy, and extremely lethargic. Hopefully this will pass.

I still don’t have internet access at home, so my blogs are limited to Monday-Friday. Sorry.

Here’s hoping I succeed.

2006-02-10T09:03:00.000Z

10th February 2006

Time Is Slipping Away .......

OK so I've set goals and it's Mid February already. I'm still confident I can do it.

I'm contacting my Cambridge Counsellor today to top-up my packs and start afresh on Monday.

Each year I complete two 5-kilometre runs for Cancer Research UK usually in Sutton Park and Canon Hill park (see http://www.raceforlife.org/) , well I attempt to run but walk for most, nearly all of it. I've always wanted to get into running but found it hard going on my knees, so I'm hold out on all events (I think the Breakthrough Breast Cancer event may be too mcuh gor me 60km is ALOT).

Next year I'll do the breakthrough breast cancer event, if not I'll be doing:

one 5Km Race For Life in Canon Hill Park http://www.raceforlife.org/
and

one 10Km : http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/10k/venues/west_wycombe_park/

On a positive note, I have an interview with a recruitment consultant for a position working for Autoglass. As time has passed I've become less convinced of my suitability for the position but I'm doing it anyway.

I also found out last night that I have an interview with Groundwork EBS which sound right up my street. Working here is stiffling and disabling in terms of professional growth.

I also have another interview with a consultancy the week after.

Here's hoping.

Thanks for listening.

2006-02-09T16:49:00.000Z

9th February 2006

I'm still not 100%, but am better.

I will start my Cambridge Diet on Monday.

I've also decided to use www.breakthoughweekend.org as my target goal.

Wish me luck by leaving a message in my 'comments'.

"without struggle there is no progress"

Thanks for reading and listening.

2006-02-08T08:55:00.000Z

8th Feb 2006

Feeling totally unwell. I'm full of cold, I still have tonsillitis and I'm now feeling dizzy.

Wonderful.

2006-02-02T08:00:00.000Z

2nd February 2006

Not feeling too well this morning. My right tonsil is painful - I'm just hoping it isn't the flu virus thats going around at the moment. Hopefully it will pass in 24 hours so that it doesn't leave me feeling sad and cause me eat to food.

It's 8am and I'm sat here drinking my first shake (it's Strawberry flavour) of the day, unsually early for me. I've decided to drink it cold and to my surprise I'm liking it, it's the first shake I've drank cold. Actually I was never a real fan of the Strawberry shake when it was wawrm, so this will be a cold 'un.

Well I made contact with a new Cambridge Diet Counsellor yesterday and now I'm feeling much more positive about the whole thing. I really didn't get on with the other one.

Thanks for listening.

2006-02-01T14:26:00.000Z

"Without Struggle There Is No Progress"

I found this saying on another blog and found it inspiring for many facets of my life, most notably my weight loss.

There will be a struggle - but the reward reaped at the end will be unquantifiable.

Thanks for listening.

xx

2006-02-01T14:20:00.000Z

01 FEB 2006

I'm back. I've not felt nor have been able to post over the last couple of days.

My Cambriedge Diet starts AGAINNNNNNNNN today. I've still not had my PC back, so my blogs are only Monday-Friday. Weekends are my weakest times but I'm determined to stick to it this time, I know what to expect (even if it isn't going to be pleasant!)

Even when I've tried eating my favourites the taste of them has changed, for the worst, so here's to drink sweet shakes for the next 16 weeks!

Roll on KETOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-01-27T14:43:00.000Z

27th January 2006

Well I'm halfway through the day in terms of CD shakes.

Food is fuel, nothing more! That's what I keep telling myself.

ANyway, now that I'm through day one I really don't want to have to start again ... I want to reach Ketosis.

I came up with an analogy

Visualise the choccie biscuits as a large stone. (i.e. Choccie Biccies =
Large Rock)
Now visualise yourself in a horse and cart heading for your favourite
destination. (
i.e. Horse&Cart = is you,
Journey = Cambridge/Lighter Life/Lipotrim etc.Destination (Barbados) = a
slimmer, happier, healthier you)
So you are in your horse and cart, happily chugging along; your destination
is Summertime in Barbados, where the days are long, hot and gorgeous (ok I know
you can't horse and cart it there, but bear with me )]

You want to get to Barbados asap because you'd like to experience Barbados
in the Summer, not in the rainy winter season.

The journey is long and arduous and sometimes boring, but nevertheless,
you've heard Barbados is gorgeous and you'd like to see it for yourself in all
it's glory.

You come across an obstacle, namely a large rock you have two options:

1. Stay in control and ride around the rock, carefully but confidently
manoeuvring your horse & cart and continuing the journey in as quick a time
as possible, with as little stress or disappointment. Barbados here we
come!!!

2.Attempt to ride over the rock, rendering the wheels irreparable. Now
you'll have to go home, fix your vehicle and start your journey all over
again.
Which do you choose?

I posted it on: http://discoveryhealth.co.uk/forum3/forum.asp?FORUM_ID=2 a great forum for people like me, full of support.

It's weird, but I want to go to Barbados! I can't turn back now.

The weekend is here, so no access to blog.

Enjoy your weekend - I will strive to get through it too.

Much love & peace!

xxx

2006-01-27T08:04:00.000Z

27th January 2006

I'm hungry ..........

but that's not a bad thing. Yes, I finally succeeded with the Cambridge Diet and completed my first day, yesterday.

Day 1 of 100!

Am I pleased? Bloody Hell I am!

I'm sat here sipping tea (black no sugar) and staving off my hunger.

2006-01-27T07:56:00.000Z

26th January 2006

What a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(written on the 27th January)

Today wasn't too bad. Around 13:00hrs I started feeling irritable, lightheaded, so had my second shake of the day .... hot Vanilla: yum!

Anyway I nearly only had 3 packs, but as I was getting ready to go to bed I started feeling hungry, so I drank my 4th (chocolate) shake as a night cap.

I'm really bloody chuffed with myself. I always knew the first day would be the hardest and I've done it now. Helped by the fact there is no food in the house.

I was intending on going for a run last night after work. Was stuck in traffic on the way home last night and decided to go to my en-route gym - hadn't been for a while, but thought it better than sitting in a queue and he, I had my gym bag in the boot.
Anyway I really worked harder than I intended to cycling 12.5 kilometers in 24 minutes. I was on my way to do a few minutes resistance training then go home when I happened to see my ex personal trainer there, who told me to go do more cardio, he marched me to the treadmill put me on there for 20 minutes, level 5, random gradients, with an incline for some speed walking, which is harder than my interval running because it's more sustained. Of course me being me decided that I wouldn't be outdone and was determined to finish - which I did. I kept telling myself I was invincible. My telling myself I was invincible seemed to work because I did it and succeeded at Cambridge. Exercise always dampens my appetite - which isn't a bag thing.

Anyway ...... hopefully I won't have to write my blogs retrospectively once I get my PC back.

Anyway thanks for reading.

2006-01-26T09:10:00.000Z

About Yesterday (Wednesday 25th Jan)

I'm such a shit! 8pm I sat down to my chcken and mushroom and found it tasted just as bad as the vegetable, so now I'm sticking with the sweet flavours only.

I'm OK. Had some dry pasta last night. Today I'll do it.

On the plus side I've managed to find one of those milk throther mini whisk thingies so that makes drinking them at work better.

Happened to mention the diet to a colleague and was met with "ooohhhh you should make wieght watchers soup ...." yadda yadda yadda.

Why is it people can't just accept the staatus quo without offering opinion.

Awoke this morning feeling very hungry. Had some water which seems to have worked. Haven't had my shakes as yet.

Today my CD shakes are:

Chocolate Mint

Vanilla

Butterscotch

Strawberry

I've decided that ChocolateMint will be my breakfast drink, so I'll order that accordingly next week when I see the counsellor.

Anyway I'm off to do some work.

2006-01-25T15:44:00.000Z

So far so good ....

I'm going home shortly so won't be posting until tomorrow morning.

So far I've had a Toffee & Walnut shake and a Butterscotch shake - both YUM. Love the toffee and walnut - reminds me of Horlicks.

I'm feeling a tad hungry and using the toilet as though it's going out of fashion. I'm fine besides.

Please please send me good vibes so that I don't mess up AGAIN this evening.

Thanks

xxx

2006-01-25T08:23:00.000Z

Tuesday 25th January

So here I am AGAIN, starting AGAIN.

I'm still miserable about my job - because basically now they just want me to check roumage around in dustbins and breaking down cardboard boxes, rather than the job I thought I'd be doing i.e. monitoring data, interpreting legislation, implementing policy, interrogating management systems etc. Sometimes I'm so disappointed with my life and the direction it is heading in.

Anyway I've been in contact with agencies and things are looking somewhat positive.

I will endevour to overcome this weight hurdle. Awoke this morning thinking that Frbruary draweth nigh and I have yet to lose any significant weight and I've promised myself that 2006 will be the year.

Have yet to drink any shakes, but will do today and report back. I cannot wait to get an internet connection back at home ... !!

Thanks for listening.

2006-01-24T15:09:00.001Z

Tuesday 24th January 2006

Well I've started again after yesterdays weakness and gluttony.

So far I've had a Chocolate shake and a Strawberry one, both made warm, as it's cold out there.

The strawberry is quite tasty. Actually the only one I've taken a dislike to is the Cappaccino flavour!

I've also had a poo which is pleasing as I began to worry as I haven't had one since Sunday. That said, I did eat last night, so the poo isn't a true reflection of the Cambridge, although I suspect my not pooing is attributed to the shakes I've already consumed.

Tonight when I get home will be the real test! I've had a bad day with the usual work pollitics and yet another reminder to myself that I'm way over qualified to do this work - they want me to be a glorified porter basically. I wish they mentioned it to me when I went for interview.
Anyway - wish me luck.

On a plus, I did my first of my daily yoga sessions - how hard was that - I've started aching already!

Bugger, Bugger, Bugger!

Well got home with good intention. I made the CD vegetable soup. Smelt nice, but tasted horrid. I think I put too much water in it and went mad with black pepper. I sat there struggling to drink it, in the end I made some pasta, then had a bowl of Crunchy nut flakes. I went binge mad.

Today was a hard day at work from an emotional point of view. My job isn't what I thought it was and that put a huge dampener on my day.

Anyway I rang the counsellor (very stiff upper lip type) - and told her that I let her and myself down. She suggested to the contrary that this week was about finding the flavours I like and succeeding with them. So I'm still going to see her on Sunday as scheduled for my weigh in.

Thanks for listening.

xx

2006-01-23T12:33:00.000Z

I'M FINDING INSPIRATION !!!!!

Reasons to lose weight.

I found this on another website http://www.mylighterlife.co.uk/ and thought I'd post it here - for my own reminder and for you guys who may be reading my posts (although I'm not sure there are - but who knows!).

REASONS TO LOSE WEIGHT:

To feel good about ourselves
To have GREAT sex! :)
So we won't think people are laughing or talking about us
To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly
To have more energy!
To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails
To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully
To wear a bathing suit
To cross your legs or sit Indian style
To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see "that look" from the person who has to sit beside you
So our ankles won't swell
To fit into a booth at any restaurant
To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies
To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident
To not turn beet red after moderate exertion
To be able to pick something up off the floor Panty Hose that fit!
To go to an amusement park and ride the rides
To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage
To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by
To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping
To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike
To not worry about rashes and sweating
To not have to listen to "caring" people ask why you don't diet or worse still "gee you have such a pretty face"
To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating
To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you
To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver's seat
To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria's Secret rather than at "Tubby the Underwear Guy"
To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc
To not get stuck in a turn style
To not wake up feeling achy in the back or to have ache free legs and feet
So the bathroom scale won't creak and groan when you step on it
To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up
So you won't look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras
To never be embarrassed about your size
To not count tying shoes as daily exercise
To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available
To not be more out of shape than seniors
To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side
To be able to put on wedding rings again
To try to make a double chin and fail!
Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year and they do!
Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open
Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
To look good in a tee shirt!
To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
To not worry if the hairdresser's smock will fit!
To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face
To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart
To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants
TO have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you
To get promotions/hired or close that sale
Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
No more boobs! (this is for the guys!)
Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others!
To not have the fear of being rejected
To successfully flirt!
To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car!
One size fits all and it fits you!
To have a lap
To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction
To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to "get the job done" To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven't been caught on camera!
To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt
No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs
So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn't wear away long before the rest of the slacks do!
To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself
To not take fat references and fat jokes personally
To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease
To shop at the Bullring/Blue Water/Merry Hill/Lakeside/Trafford Centre and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around!
To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised
To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
To have your feet get smaller
Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach
Blood pressure returns to normal
To avoid other health complications from being overweight
To be able to borrow a co-worker's jacket for an important meeting
To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don't pop out of their head with amazement because they never knew you're fat!
To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
To wear a watch with a regular length watch band
To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world
To not mind getting your picture taken
To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get "weighed" in
To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go
To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces
To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit
To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well
To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
To buy tie shoes instead of slip-ons!
To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on
To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from

And the most important reason to lose weight … I'M WORTH IT!

Anyway I'm not sure that all the above reasons are applicable to me :-) But the list will be a good read and source of inspiration when I'm feeling weak!

I'm also going to create a grid to show my progress. 28-days to form a habit .....

xxx

2006-01-23T09:40:00.000Z

JANUARY 2006.

09:41 - I'm not hungry as yet. I've taken a few swigs of water and seem to be OK.

11:30 - Had a Mint Chocolate shake. Tasty, in fact I quite liked it. I tried the cappacino yesterday and thought it disgusting. I've had more water too. My Cambridge Counsellor suggested I have a shake sandwich i.e. water - shake - water. It seems to have worked because I'm not hungry and I have three more shakes to get through.

12:43 - Not hungry. Bizarre because when I've eaten a big bowl of cournflakes for breakfast I'm hungry by lunch. Anyway we'll see how we go, I'm taking one step at a time.

OK, so at lunch I had my butterscotch shake. All the fart-arsing around with mixing shakes is a bit of a bind, however if I keep my goal in sight I'll be ok.

I'm so ashamed of myself

When I got home last night and the feeling of light-headedness got the better of me in the end and I had two handfulls of blanched cashew nuts.

I was in a rush to get to the doctor to discuss the VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet : Lighter Life AND Cambridge) and didn't want to make up my 3rd shake - how stupid of me! The doctor called in sick so my appointment was cancelled, much to my annoyance.

I had every intention to drink my shakes when I got home, but then saw a Philidelphia cheese advert (the one where they mix the pesto with the cheese and serve it with pasta) and thought "I just HAVE to try that, I'll start the diet tomorrow" ......

my dinner was nice, but I felt really guilty afterwards.

The more I use the "there's always tomorrow" excuse the closer I am to killing myself or at the least doing damage to my body.

Anyway I've decided to continue with the Cambridge since I don't need the doctors permission to undertake it unlike Lighter Life. Yesterday I took my cancelled appointment as a sign of me doing the CD over the LL diet - besides it's exactly the same, just less money (£42 in comparison to £42 per week) and the flavours are much better on Cambridge.

Much love all those reading. Cambridge here I come!!

Foxxy! (or will be)

2006-01-23T08:14:00.000Z

Monday 23rd January 2006

It's been a while since I last posted - sorry.

With not having a PC at home I'm not posting as much as I'd like to. Hopefully I'll have it back soon and normal service will resume.

Anyway, I've decided to undertake the Cambridge Diet just to kick start my weight loss. Really wanted to undertake the Lighter Life www.lighterlife.com program but I can't afford the £66 per week it would cost me. Apparently the Cambridge Diet 'food' is made in exactly the same place, so basically it's the same product, just more expensive. My suspicions were confirmed when I went to the Lighter Life presentation on Sunday and noticed at the end of the video they showed us that it was made by 'Cambridge Productions'. Anyway the cost of the Cambridge Diet for me is £42 per week - only thing is, one doesn't get the group counselling sessions one would get with LL as with CD. I have convinced my CD counsellor to create a group and she has agreed!

Anyway I am still going to see my doctor this afternoon and talk it over with her and see how I go. I'd like some external counselling also. I will also still ask my doctor to fill out the medical required by the LL program - just in case I decide to defect to the other side.

I will be posting about my Cambridge escapades. I'm starting at 19 stones exactly - I've lost 2Ibs, I attribute that to my not binging over the last week.

Cheers - thanks for reading.

2006-01-18T09:03:00.000Z

18th January 2006

Don't you just hate it when you've typed a brilliant blog only for the server to go down just when you hit "publish"

That happened to me yesterday. :-(

2006-01-13T10:13:00.000Z

MY THOUGHTS - 13th January 2006

I'm feeling positive today. I think positivity is key to getting through the weight loss game. God knows I really want to lose weight, however I want to do it in a sustainable way that doesn't leave me obssessed with food. I'm cutting down on what I eat and trying not to use food as a crutch.
I need to now discount all the negativity I've receieved from people around me and turn it into a positive. As someone nicely once put it to me:

"when life serves you lemons, learn how to make lemonade"

Isn't that just the best saying in the world?!

I know my change in dietry lifestyle will take a while to show physically, but bloody hell! I hope my trousers start feeling lose soon!

If anyone has any ideas on how to preactially measure portion sizes (without scales) please let me know!

Thanks for listening!

2006-01-13T09:56:00.000Z

FRIDAY 13th JANUARY 2006 - unlucky for some!

Snack (mid-morning):
1 bagel

Breakfast:
cereal with ss milk

Had to eat breakfast late due to very early morning training at work.

2006-01-12T09:49:00.000Z

GOAL NUMBER: 1

I was so annoyed with my performance yesterday. I do not want people to look at me as though I'm a freak when I walk down the street or when I'm walking through the station on my way to work etc.
I tire of being hollared and abused at by total strangers in the street who think it's acceptable yet would find it unacceptable to be shouting racist words at someone.

I know it's their problem and not mine, but I want to mitigate feeling like a freak, feeling ugly and unattractive (why else have I been single for over 5 years?). I need to lose weight for my physical and mental well-being.

So I've decided to set goals and targets.

ULTIMATE GOAL = be 66kg (10st 6Ibs) by Thursday 14th December 2006 (48 weeks)

I'm not too sure how much i weigh because I've weighed myself on so many damned scales. So from no on I'm sticking with what my nurse's scales say.

My last weigh was 117kg. I know I've put on weight since then because I've been binge eating. Emotional issues namely friends pissing me off. Anyway I can't let them or my urges win.

I am a winner and I can beat the weight. I've been overweight since I was 3yrs old so I am determined to fight my demons, lose the weight and gain confidence.

My first goal - to weigh 99 kilograms by 23rd February 2006

In addition I've also decided to quit going to the gym and take up free exercise, so I'm more active in general rather than relying upon visits to the gym - which for me is an added expense I can ill afford.

Thanks for reading.

2006-01-12T09:43:00.000Z

Thursday 12th January 2006

Another disturbed sleep resulting in me waking up later than I would have liked. I drove into work this morning out of necessity. I have a (working lunch) meeting to attend somewhere else so I need the car.
I was angry with myself for being greedy and allowing my emotions to take over with yesterdays eating.
On the balance, my body aches from my exercise class, so I'm very happy about that.

Breakfast:
Crunchynut & muesli combo with SS milk
Cup of rooibos tea

Have no idea what I'll be having for lunch - I'll endeavour to be good though.

Snack:
Water (to check my hunger)
2 Corn cakes (which are approx 7cm square AND approx 3mm thick)
1 large mug of decaff coffee with milk (I didn't make it. I'd have had no milk)

Didn't have lunch in the end so stopped off at M&S and bought lunch.

Lunch:
Chicken & balsamic toasted tomatoes (1.7% fat per 100g)
25g bag of lightly salted beetroot & sweet potato crisps (31g% fat per 100g)

Snack:
4 corn cakes

Dinner:
6 pieces of sushi
1 large bowl of cereal with SS Milk

few grapes

2006-01-11T12:02:00.000Z

WEDNESDAY 11th JANUARY 2006.

I woke up late this morning, much to my chagrin. I was still determined to take my first train ride to work of the new year - after all why else what was the point of buying a month long rail pass? Part of the reason for catching the train to work is so that I can get some extra exercise i.e. running up and down the stair and walking to the office.

I wasn't hungry this morning until I was ready to leave the house. So weigh up the pro's and the con's I ate by breakfast at home so that I wasn't tempted by the delicious snack they have on offer at Birmingham New Street.

Breakfast:
Crunchy nut cornflakes & no sugar natural muesli combo with semi-skimmed milk.
glass of water
herbal tea.

I'm loath to change my breakfast because I'm enjoying it so much. I love porridge too, so I'll probably only flit between these two choices. I've never ever been a fan of the English Fyr-Up Breakfast.

Lunch:
salad mixed with chilli peppers and cottage cheese
1 rice cake
2 thin slice corn cake (like rice cakes, made of corn)

Snack:
1 apple
1 onion bagel

Exercise: 60 minute aerobics class

Dinner:
spinach, red cabbage, cauliflower
Pesto chicken with pasta

Then I was pissed off with the behaviour of a (ex) friend: So I over ate and had:

grilled chicken breast with rice (didn't even like it)
low fat tea cake.

I'm so ashamed of myself. How and when will I be able to control myself in order to lose this damn weight?!!!!!!

2006-01-10T09:55:00.000Z

TUESDAY 10th JANUARY 2006.

I woke up this morning and thought that I really must try harder and control my eating in the evening.

Exercise: 40 mins on evercise bike at the gym.

Breakfast:
Bowl of crunchy nut cereal mixed with muesli. Semi Skimmed milk.
Glass of water.

Lunch:
1 slice of low-fat malt loaf
1 Bagel
salad with Tuna/Sweetcorn cottage cheese.

Snack:
Chunky kit-kat
1 apple

Dinner:
M&S Healthy Options - Teryaki Salmon with noodles, 1/2 pak choi
with 5 asparagus and left over potato gratin (<3% fat)

MY THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

Today I tried to control my eating. It wasn't easy, but I did.
I ate when hungry (and I really made sure I was hungry and not thirsty) and stopped eating when satisfied.
I ate everything slowly and considered every mouthful. I also chewed everything 20 times. In addition I stopped eating when I was satisfied.

As I've said before, I can't really conclude I foudn it easy, but I was able to tick my first of my 28-day habit breaking day off.

I'm feeling positive, just want the next 28 days to fly by.

Cheers - thanks for listening.