It's been 1 year since I last posted ... shame on me.

It's not been a good year ......

Heart break and subsequent weight gain to boot. I'm now 21St 8Ibs (who said weight loss was easy?)

Anyway I'm on the merry-go-round again!

My first goal is to get back to 16Stones (101 kilograms)

I feel very ugly, very unattractive.

Here we go again.

MONDAY 28th JANUARY

Well, I went for my weigh in on Saturday and I'm 17St 7Ibs .... not good, but no one said losing weight was easy.

I'm getting bored of trying. I just need to "do" and get off this merry-go-round once and for all!!

Plans for tomorrow:

1. Stick to the diet plan 100% no deviations .... so lots of teeth gritting
2. Drink 3 litres of water plus 1 litre of perfectly clear (as a minimum)
3. do a little bit of exercise.

No more excuses!!!!

Where have I been?!!!

Well I've been all over both physically and emotionally. I'll fill you in as I go.

I can't believe I was 17St 3Ibs in March .... so I've only lost a few pounds in weight since then (exactly 8 months ago). I can't believe how slow my progress has been. It really does put things into perspective.

Must try harder!!!

Monday 19th March 2007

I've lots to say but it's late now and I'm tired.

Just for a catch up though, I'm now 17St 3Ibs :-)

TUESDAY 30th JANUARY 2007

Hello is there anybody there?

It's been a while since I last posted. I've had a bad few weeks getting back on the Cambridge Diet after Christmas. I must admit Christmas was a lot of fun though :D although I didn't indulge as much as I would normally have.

My grandmother died just after the New Year also, so my emotional eating was at it's peak!

I think I'm back on track now. I have my fornightly weigh in on Sunday so fingers crossed I'll have made some headway towards the 17Stones mark. After Christmas I weighed 18St 8Ibs, before Christmas 18St 7Ibs. Last time I was weighed (at the height of my binging, I was 19St 2.6Ibs - which is better than the 20St 8Ibs I was back in October 06.

Today feels OK. I have a cold, not good, not good at all. I feel ill. Besides that I'm OK and not feeling at all hungry.

Ciao for now

FRIDAY 15th DECEMBER 2006

2 litres of water drunk so far. I will get my 3rd in by 13:45.

Ate a Malt Toffee CD bar for breakfast .... it took me ages, in part because I thought it tasted foul. Oh boy my taste buds must be changing - or may be it's because I prefer it cut up and frozen ... we'll see. Thankfully I only have 1 left. I think I'll stick to the shakes for this diet.

The Christmas Party is going to be so rubbish. Some people are having second thoughts because it's smart wear and they want to wear jeans. How silly!

The people here are so dull. I'm wondering whether my choice of outfit is too glam - either way I'm going to wear it, and wear it well.

So I don't have my shake as I can't be bothered. I'm no longer hungry. Although I was tempted to order chips on room service. And I did, but then cancelled. virtue got in the way

As far as I'm concerned this is my diary so I'm going to be as honest as possible.

I had to dinner they put on offer and scrummy it was too.

1st course : seasonal melon with a berry coulis. I didn't eat mine

2nd Course: vegetable soup. I took one small sip and left the rest. I did eat the bread roll. Yummy, yummy yummy, but don't miss it in the slightest. I can cope without another bread roll for the next 8 months I'm pretty darn sure.

3rd Course: salmon with vegetables (including boiled potatoes). I ate all of it bar 1.5 potatoes, meaning I had half a potato

4th course:profiteroles. I didn't eat them. Don't like them, never will.

5th course: Christmas pud with Brandy sauce. I took a tiny piece and found it excruciatingly sweet (must be my CD taste buds!)

I had water throughout (my literage for the day was circa 4 -5 litres).

I had two vodka and tonics - but stayed away from the wine. I dunno, I felt a tad guilty and didn't want to do too much damage and I didn't feel at all deprived.

My manager - whom I don't see eye to eye with said that she thought in her mind last week that I'd lost weight. I confirmed this and said around 2 stones. She was like "wow".
Not that I've made a show of it, in fact I've tried to be discreet, but she and my other colleague said to me "oohh, those shakes must be working!" LOL

Lots of people took a double take of me and I was told I looked stunning. I look fairly drab at work - I do this so as to draw distinction between 'out of the office' 'in the office' and 'out on the town'

My dress was strapless and tight and sexy. I wore it a few years ago and then tried it a few months back but it didn't fit. It fit me yesterday though. Size 18, Wallis - thank God for Wallis sizing!

One guy I kinda had the hots for a few months back kept catching my eye around the dinner table. He thinks I look fine anyway, but said I looked gorgeous. We had a dance he kissed me goodbye (some of them were off out to a club - I couldn't go, my shoes were made for decoration purposes only!) and kept kissing me on the lips, in fact if I left him, tongues would have been involved. He then said "I like you" in this shy quite voice (he is shy) and I said "don't tell anyone, but "I like you too". I kinda said it jokingly because you just never know do you, he may well be lying in his bed regretting what he said. I was only slightly inebriated so I remember EVERYTHING.

Anyway that was my night ... I'll continue with a next post titled "16th December 2006"

Much love all and thanks for reading!

Tuesday 12th December 2006

Went to Asda to but a wee cardigan for a Christmas do we're having. They didn't have any in my size so I became super frustrated angry and nearly started crying. All I saw were Size 8's - tht pushed my over the edge I kept thinking "which post pubescent woman is a size 8 anyway!!!!!" I was so angry that I ripped it while I was trawling throught the clithes rack and I didn't care. I was annoyed with Asda and the clothing industry, I was annoyed with myself for not havign cracked CD months ago so that I would be a normal size and wouldn't have to resort to going to Asda for a poxy cardigan. I was angry angry angry. I so want to look nie, but then started thinking that someone my size aint gonna look good anyway so what's the point in trying. I was angry because I've seen gorgeous dresses in River Island, Debenhams etc. that would have suited me to a 'T' instead as always in my life I'm having to 'make do' I don't wanna make do any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought this will be the last year. Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Asdas I went to and the story was the same throughout! I couldn't bring myself to drive to the other one, but had it in my head that I'd drive past the one in Long Eaton tomorrow morning - how desperate and frustrating. I still may.


I was so upset I drove to MacDonalds and binged, binged binged on 9 chicken nuggets (I didn't want anything carby). My binge occured between Asdas. It was my intention to buy another 20 and scoff them, so drove to Asda's via another MacDonalds. Alas I didn't buy another 20, the 9 started making me feel sick mentally and physically. I HATE MacDonalds - I don't go there.

I got home and checked my urine and it's still in the pink - thankfully. I've also downed 500ml of water in the vain hope that it may make a difference in cleansing and washing my system. I've also decided not to have any more soups or shakes for the day as I've done the dirty with the chicken nuggets.

Thus today:
3 litres of water
1 strawberry shake
1 Chicken and Mushroom shake with white pepper - yum although near the bottom of my mug it was like drinking sand - yuk, never had that before!
9 Chicken nuggets

Thanks for listening .........