25th December 2005 - Merry Christmas to you.

Well I thought I'd share my thoughts with you a little before I post my food intake.
I'm lonely.
I have no presents to open.
No one to hug.
No one to wish me a happy Christmas.
Today unfortunately is just another day. Alas it will be the same for New Years Eve also - I'll attempt to make plans for New Years Eve even if I'm alone.

Breakfast:
4 iced buns (well I slice the top off because the icing is too sweet - which kinda defeats the point!)
cup of tea

Snack: 2 clementines, 2 apples, 40g blanched cashew nuts, dry popped (no oil, fat or sugar i.e. - nothing added)

More thoughts:
I'm really bored. My Christmas day has been me sat in the house on my own watching TV. If I were thin I'd have the confidence to have more friends, have a lover and I'd be happier. Alas, Christmas day constitutes me watching TV alone whilst stuffing my face. Oh joy :-(

Dinner:
(Sainsbury's Taste The Difference) Prawn Biryani with sprouts, carrots, brocolli, coleslaw

apple & blackcurrant pie with custard

I feel so full, to the point of feeling sick. Another Christmas day nearly over. I guess there are others a lot worse off than myself, so I shall try not to get too melancholy.
I have had a few weeps today, my last one notably with watching Eastenders, the whole Kat and Alfie thing, silly I know, however the way Kat was feelign struck a chord with me hence the tear.
Anyway ...merry Christmas to you all.

Thanks for reading.

Saturday 24th December 2005

I've been ill with the runs all day so haven't eaten much. I'm still not well, which has pissed me off. As right now I could do without all the niceities and socialising Christmas foists upon me.

Food for the day:

1 red licorice string.
glass of water with two imodium (ok it doesn't count as food ;-))
three of my nephews chips (fries) from KFC.

Lemon dressed pasta with salmon anf brocolli. With two spoonfuls of mash potato. (I ate this tentatively) a bowl of crisps

Sat down to watch Bridget Jones' Diary with (packet of salt & vinegar and cheese & onion), but couldn't eat them. Instead had an early night.

See this is the thing about being single, no one to snuggle up to or celebrate Christmas with. This is what fat does to peoples' lives.

Christmas day diary next ......

(You'll note that I'm not thinking about what I'm eating over the next few days)

Thanks for reading x

Friday 23rd December:

Sorry it's so late.

Breakfast: two slices of toast (hard-dough bread) with unsalted butter. Tea.

Lunch: 2.5 slices of toast with unsalted butter. 1 glass of fruit juice.

Dinner: (starter) potato wedges (main course) chicken burger with cheese (i ate half) with fries. Sparkling water

Thoughts for this day

After I drank the fruit juice my tummy wasn't feeling so good, so I didn't eat all of my dinner. What a way to start Christmas with a dodgy tummy!

Thursday 22nd December 05

Breakfast: Porridge with 5 prunes, two slices of bread with unsalted butter

Lunch: two sliced of bread with chopped cucumber and tomato, with water.

Interim thoughts:

I had to eat lunch early because I have to pop into town to see if I can find something to wear to this Christmas party tonight. On the whole I feel deeply unattractive anyway so I won't try too hard to find something.

Can't wait to finish this bread. So unhealthy (yes I know I shouldn't have bought it in the first places :-) )

So now, between lunch (11:30am) and dinner (circa 8pm) I have to eat fruit to keep the hunger pangs at bay. No doubt they'll have unhealthy food there!

Got to find a top that doesn't show sweat. I sweat so easily. I love having a boogie, but after 2 minutes of dancing I'm breaking out in a proper sweat. Something I'll gladly eliminate once I lose weight and get fitter!

I'll try not to go overboard over Christmas, but hey, it IS Christmas. Anyway I believe 2006 to be my year for losing weight at the very least - "there by the grace of God go I" and all that!

Anyway I'll be back later to complete my blog.

Snack: Mullerice (apple flavour) and two slices of toast. Two clementines.

My thoughts:

I'm hungry at the moment. I didn't find anything in the shops (surprise surprise!) nothing in Evans (shop for fat people) remotely resembled anything a girl my age would wear. Ok there was the odd thing, but they only had sizes 24+ so they were too big for me. So I'm going to the party in crap clothes, but I've resolved myself to the idea that it's unlikely that my clothes will matter ... hardly as if people look at me in that way.

I'm annoyed because the cake I made for someone (cost £30) has gone to waste because they no longer want it. Apparently Miss Brissett didn't fancy the colour - although I asked how she'd want it etc. etc. If she didn't want to pay £30 for the cake all she had to do was say so. Of course my mother won't let me call her to tear her to shreds and give her a piece of my mind. So that's £30 gone to waste. You can jail a theif but you can't jail a liar. Anyway I have to start getting ready for this Christmas party. I'm pissed off and want to eat pie and chips followed by eve's pudding and custard - of course I won't, I'll eat and apple and drink some tea if the hunger gets too bad.

Dinner: (starter) Melon medley (main) turkey breast, chipolata, roast potatoes, vegetables (dessert) cheese and biscuits [there was cheesecake, but I asked for the cheese]

Then to top the evening off we were treated to crepes with grandmarnier and hot chocolate.

Thoughts

I enjoyed myself, danced a lot . Didn't think I went overboard with my eating.

Thanks for listening.

Wednesday 21st December 2005

Breakfast:
three slices of hard-dough bread
oats made with semi-skimmed milk
tea

Lunch:
three rice cakes
tasta & tuna salad
rasberry variety mullerice
water

Snack:
Caramel & Toffee flavour flap-jack

Dinner:
1 dessert spoon of mash potato
small tin of asda vegetable ravioli (for children)
2 slices of hard-dough bread
water

THOUGHTS FOR TODAY:
I actually thought I did really really badly, on relefction it wasn't that bad. I had a discussion with my food counsellor (someone I call if I need advice). I shouldn't really be weighing myself every week nor should I be using different scales, naughty me!
I went to Merry Hill (shopping centre) after work today to find something to wear to my works party tomorrow night. I really want to look hot. I think I've got good taste unfortunately I'm unable to partake in the fashion I like because they don't do clothes in my size.
Tried Dorothy Perkins and tried on a size 22 trousers and a size 18 top, which fit but just didn't look right, I think I need thinner legs?! (I'm working on it)
ANyway I left Merry Hill with an indulgent £14 lip gloss by Christian Dior and £35 worht of health foods from Holland and Barrett for my mom and dad - I bought some prunes and apricots for myself.
So I have another reason to lose weight: I want to start looking my age and dressing nicely (when I'm not at work).
I'm at a loss as to how I'm going to look at my Christmas Party ....not that it matters. I'm just the fat girl who works in THAT department, no one will take a second look or even think I look gorgeous.

Oh well. I needn't bother attempting to look good because fat people aren't regarded as attractive full-stop. I could wear Dior or Dolce&Gabbana from head to toe and still be made to feel as though I'm wearing a potato sack - all ebecause I'm a fattie.

Thanks for reading.

INTRODUCTION - Here is where my weight loss journey begins

Let me warn you in advance that you may have to excuse me if I appear to be waffling. I am speaking straight from the heart allowing each thought and feeling to pour out of me. I want this to be as honest a blog as possible.

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Big Girls Don't Cry

I am overweight and for as long as I've known myself I've been overweight. At 5feet 9 inches and currently carrying 18 stones & 6 pounds of weight I have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 38.31 which means I am officially OBESE. What a horrid word "obese" is. I've always hated the word, makes me feel somewhat abnormal detached somehow, from society. I guess my saving grace is I'm not "very obese" ha ha ... nevertheless it is something that should be taken seriously.

I've always been aware of being fat, thanks to those comments and/or jokes made by friends, family and foe.

"sticks and stones may break my bones ...."

Name calling is something I have never gotten used to. Even now, when I am fast approaching 30yrs of age; words and gestures of ridicule, by those who do and don't know me still hurt.

I suffer from a huge lack of self-confidence and this has impinged on so many facets of my life; my career, my friendships and & success in love (I'm single - no surprises there ! J )
I guess people have preconceived ideas about fat women they are either; fat and bubbly OR fat and threatening. With my height I fall into the latter category although it isn't true. Unfortunately now, I have a distinct lack of trust in people.
Never the "damsel in distress", I’m always in the "big girls don't cry" category.

"every journey begins with the first step ...."

Now aged 28 I've decided that I want to be a damsel. I've always had knee and ankle problems and I've come to the realisation that these problems have originated from being overweight and are perpetuated by my weight. So now I am going to claw back the damage a lifetime of being overweight has done to my body and totally transform myself into a specimen of health and fitness. Despite "well-meaning" friends/family who insist I'm healthy and not overweight say.

I want increase my physical and mental well-being. I want to be able to walk down the street and not feel as though people are laughing at me or staring at me with a look of horror in their eyes.

I'm currently 18st 6Ib's (116kgs) my goal over the next 12 months is 10st 6Ib’s (66kg).

The thought of being hungry scares me as I hate being hungry, but it's a cross I have to bear until my body gets used to it. I've tried all the various diet clubs before without success - in part due to my cynicism. I always felt it was more about making money than helping folk lose weight.

Anyway I'm doing it alone this time with my practice nurse keeping an eye on proceedings.

This is going to be one of the hardest journeys I'll ever undertake in life and I want to succeed.

My diary is a log of my food intake and thoughts; it is not a diet for others to follow per. I want to inspire and for anyone reading to find solace in my story.

Thanks for reading
xx

TUESDAY 20th DECEMBER

I went to the gym before work today:
18 minutes on bike
5 minutes on the treadmill
15-20 minutes resistance training with a Swiss Ball

Breakfast:
Two slices of hard-dough bread with a scraping of unsalted butter.
Cup of Heinz sun-dried tomato and basil soup.
Water.

Snack:
granny smith apple (a pre-emptive attempt to stave off any pre-lunch impending hunger pangs)

Lunch:
2 slices of hard-dough bread
Princes Quick Eat (tomato & mascarpone sauce with pasta)
Water

Snack:
1 satsuma
four slices of toast [ I was doing do well up to this point]

Dinner:
Basmati rice
cod in parsely sauce
4 asparagus
red cabbage
cauliflour.
water


Thoughts on today:

I was doing well (in my opinion) until my urges got the better of me. I must improve upon will power and stay focussed.

I didn't plan anything for dinner and nearly ended up wasting money on food in marks and Spencer, worst still it so easily could have been unhealthy food. My heas was screwed on and I ended up buying a salad for lunch tomorrow and a carton of fresh juice - as I need to make sure I'm getting my 5 fruit and vegetable portions per day.

After my dinner I so wanted to eat some more, even though I wasn't hungry.

There are always going to be days like this, and I guess in the beginning these days will be plentiful.

I'm happy I woke up and wne tot the gym though. Come January I'll start training to run 5km non stop.

To have discipline is a sore strength in a human beings character. To succumb to urges such as I did today was weak.

Every journey starts with a first step and I've taken it, even if somewhat unsteadily and without enough direction. I WILL be 66kgs this time next year. I've got to get over my fear of hunger.

MONDAY 19th DECEMBER 2005 - I'm 18st 6Ib's

What a silly time of year to be attempting to kick start losing weight. I'm trying to adhere to the adage "no time like the present". I'm posting this retrospectively as I ran out of time yesterday.

Breakfast:
Golden Syrup - Oatso Simple
Two slices of toasted hard-dough bread with smear of unsalted butter
1 cup of tea

Lunch:
Princes Quick Eat (tomato & mascarpone sauce with pasta)
Two buttered slices of hard-dough bread
packet of Walkers prawn cocktail
Mr Kipling fruit flapjack
two satsumas
water

Snack:
Big Eat Walkers beef & onion crisps

Dinner:
Salmon fillet roasted with carrot, rosemary, red onion and tossed in Paul Newman bbq sauce.
Water
2 Red licquorice strings.

MY THOUGHTS ON TODAY:
I was decorating a cake and needed some red string. I had one and then couldn't resist another it was like sweet spaghetti.
I didn't do too well, I know I didn't. I ate out of boredom for the most part.
I didn't have time to exercise with me cake decorating. Must try harder tomorrow.
Losing weight and being a normal size and feeling attractive excites me. The thought of eaing salad in this cold weather and being hungry depresses me.
Went to Marks and Spencer and saw all the lovely food I can't eat and felt myself thinking how unfair life is. Will I be destined to a life of salad and rice cakes? I guess at least I'll be healthy.