27th January 2006

Well I'm halfway through the day in terms of CD shakes.

Food is fuel, nothing more! That's what I keep telling myself.

ANyway, now that I'm through day one I really don't want to have to start again ... I want to reach Ketosis.

I came up with an analogy

Visualise the choccie biscuits as a large stone. (i.e. Choccie Biccies =
Large Rock)
Now visualise yourself in a horse and cart heading for your favourite
destination. (
i.e. Horse&Cart = is you,
Journey = Cambridge/Lighter Life/Lipotrim etc.Destination (Barbados) = a
slimmer, happier, healthier you)

So you are in your horse and cart, happily chugging along; your destination
is Summertime in Barbados, where the days are long, hot and gorgeous (ok I know
you can't horse and cart it there, but bear with me )]

You want to get to Barbados asap because you'd like to experience Barbados
in the Summer, not in the rainy winter season.

The journey is long and arduous and sometimes boring, but nevertheless,
you've heard Barbados is gorgeous and you'd like to see it for yourself in all
it's glory.

You come across an obstacle, namely a large rock you have two options:

1. Stay in control and ride around the rock, carefully but confidently
manoeuvring your horse & cart and continuing the journey in as quick a time
as possible, with as little stress or disappointment. Barbados here we
come!!!

2.Attempt to ride over the rock, rendering the wheels irreparable. Now
you'll have to go home, fix your vehicle and start your journey all over
again.

Which do you choose?

I posted it on: http://discoveryhealth.co.uk/forum3/forum.asp?FORUM_ID=2 a great forum for people like me, full of support.

It's weird, but I want to go to Barbados! I can't turn back now.

The weekend is here, so no access to blog.

Enjoy your weekend - I will strive to get through it too.

Much love & peace!

xxx

27th January 2006

I'm hungry ..........

but that's not a bad thing. Yes, I finally succeeded with the Cambridge Diet and completed my first day, yesterday.

Day 1 of 100!

Am I pleased? Bloody Hell I am!

I'm sat here sipping tea (black no sugar) and staving off my hunger.

26th January 2006

What a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(written on the 27th January)

Today wasn't too bad. Around 13:00hrs I started feeling irritable, lightheaded, so had my second shake of the day .... hot Vanilla: yum!

Anyway I nearly only had 3 packs, but as I was getting ready to go to bed I started feeling hungry, so I drank my 4th (chocolate) shake as a night cap.

I'm really bloody chuffed with myself. I always knew the first day would be the hardest and I've done it now. Helped by the fact there is no food in the house.

I was intending on going for a run last night after work. Was stuck in traffic on the way home last night and decided to go to my en-route gym - hadn't been for a while, but thought it better than sitting in a queue and he, I had my gym bag in the boot.
Anyway I really worked harder than I intended to cycling 12.5 kilometers in 24 minutes. I was on my way to do a few minutes resistance training then go home when I happened to see my ex personal trainer there, who told me to go do more cardio, he marched me to the treadmill put me on there for 20 minutes, level 5, random gradients, with an incline for some speed walking, which is harder than my interval running because it's more sustained. Of course me being me decided that I wouldn't be outdone and was determined to finish - which I did. I kept telling myself I was invincible. My telling myself I was invincible seemed to work because I did it and succeeded at Cambridge. Exercise always dampens my appetite - which isn't a bag thing.

Anyway ...... hopefully I won't have to write my blogs retrospectively once I get my PC back.

Anyway thanks for reading.

About Yesterday (Wednesday 25th Jan)

I'm such a shit! 8pm I sat down to my chcken and mushroom and found it tasted just as bad as the vegetable, so now I'm sticking with the sweet flavours only.

I'm OK. Had some dry pasta last night. Today I'll do it.

On the plus side I've managed to find one of those milk throther mini whisk thingies so that makes drinking them at work better.

Happened to mention the diet to a colleague and was met with "ooohhhh you should make wieght watchers soup ...." yadda yadda yadda.

Why is it people can't just accept the staatus quo without offering opinion.

Awoke this morning feeling very hungry. Had some water which seems to have worked. Haven't had my shakes as yet.

Today my CD shakes are:

Chocolate Mint

Vanilla

Butterscotch

Strawberry

I've decided that ChocolateMint will be my breakfast drink, so I'll order that accordingly next week when I see the counsellor.

Anyway I'm off to do some work.

So far so good ....

I'm going home shortly so won't be posting until tomorrow morning.

So far I've had a Toffee & Walnut shake and a Butterscotch shake - both YUM. Love the toffee and walnut - reminds me of Horlicks.

I'm feeling a tad hungry and using the toilet as though it's going out of fashion. I'm fine besides.

Please please send me good vibes so that I don't mess up AGAIN this evening.

Thanks

xxx

Tuesday 25th January

So here I am AGAIN, starting AGAIN.

I'm still miserable about my job - because basically now they just want me to check roumage around in dustbins and breaking down cardboard boxes, rather than the job I thought I'd be doing i.e. monitoring data, interpreting legislation, implementing policy, interrogating management systems etc. Sometimes I'm so disappointed with my life and the direction it is heading in.

Anyway I've been in contact with agencies and things are looking somewhat positive.

I will endevour to overcome this weight hurdle. Awoke this morning thinking that Frbruary draweth nigh and I have yet to lose any significant weight and I've promised myself that 2006 will be the year.

Have yet to drink any shakes, but will do today and report back. I cannot wait to get an internet connection back at home ... !!

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday 24th January 2006

Well I've started again after yesterdays weakness and gluttony.

So far I've had a Chocolate shake and a Strawberry one, both made warm, as it's cold out there.

The strawberry is quite tasty. Actually the only one I've taken a dislike to is the Cappaccino flavour!

I've also had a poo which is pleasing as I began to worry as I haven't had one since Sunday. That said, I did eat last night, so the poo isn't a true reflection of the Cambridge, although I suspect my not pooing is attributed to the shakes I've already consumed.

Tonight when I get home will be the real test! I've had a bad day with the usual work pollitics and yet another reminder to myself that I'm way over qualified to do this work - they want me to be a glorified porter basically. I wish they mentioned it to me when I went for interview.
Anyway - wish me luck.

On a plus, I did my first of my daily yoga sessions - how hard was that - I've started aching already!

Bugger, Bugger, Bugger!

Well got home with good intention. I made the CD vegetable soup. Smelt nice, but tasted horrid. I think I put too much water in it and went mad with black pepper. I sat there struggling to drink it, in the end I made some pasta, then had a bowl of Crunchy nut flakes. I went binge mad.

Today was a hard day at work from an emotional point of view. My job isn't what I thought it was and that put a huge dampener on my day.

Anyway I rang the counsellor (very stiff upper lip type) - and told her that I let her and myself down. She suggested to the contrary that this week was about finding the flavours I like and succeeding with them. So I'm still going to see her on Sunday as scheduled for my weigh in.

Thanks for listening.

xx

I'M FINDING INSPIRATION !!!!!

Reasons to lose weight.

I found this on another website http://www.mylighterlife.co.uk/ and thought I'd post it here - for my own reminder and for you guys who may be reading my posts (although I'm not sure there are - but who knows!).

REASONS TO LOSE WEIGHT:

To feel good about ourselves
To have GREAT sex! :)
So we won't think people are laughing or talking about us
To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly
To have more energy!
To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails
To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully
To wear a bathing suit
To cross your legs or sit Indian style
To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see "that look" from the person who has to sit beside you
So our ankles won't swell
To fit into a booth at any restaurant
To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies
To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident
To not turn beet red after moderate exertion
To be able to pick something up off the floor Panty Hose that fit!
To go to an amusement park and ride the rides
To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage
To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by
To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping
To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike
To not worry about rashes and sweating
To not have to listen to "caring" people ask why you don't diet or worse still "gee you have such a pretty face"
To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating
To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you
To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver's seat
To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria's Secret rather than at "Tubby the Underwear Guy"
To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc
To not get stuck in a turn style
To not wake up feeling achy in the back or to have ache free legs and feet
So the bathroom scale won't creak and groan when you step on it
To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up
So you won't look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras
To never be embarrassed about your size
To not count tying shoes as daily exercise
To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available
To not be more out of shape than seniors
To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side
To be able to put on wedding rings again
To try to make a double chin and fail!
Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year and they do!
Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open
Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
To look good in a tee shirt!
To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
To not worry if the hairdresser's smock will fit!
To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face
To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart
To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants
TO have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you
To get promotions/hired or close that sale
Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
No more boobs! (this is for the guys!)
Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others!
To not have the fear of being rejected
To successfully flirt!
To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car!
One size fits all and it fits you!
To have a lap
To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction
To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to "get the job done" To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven't been caught on camera!
To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt
No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs
So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn't wear away long before the rest of the slacks do!
To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself
To not take fat references and fat jokes personally
To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease
To shop at the Bullring/Blue Water/Merry Hill/Lakeside/Trafford Centre and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around!
To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised
To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
To have your feet get smaller
Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach
Blood pressure returns to normal
To avoid other health complications from being overweight
To be able to borrow a co-worker's jacket for an important meeting
To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don't pop out of their head with amazement because they never knew you're fat!
To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
To wear a watch with a regular length watch band
To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world
To not mind getting your picture taken
To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get "weighed" in
To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go
To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces
To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit
To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well
To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
To buy tie shoes instead of slip-ons!
To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on
To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from

And the most important reason to lose weight … I'M WORTH IT!

Anyway I'm not sure that all the above reasons are applicable to me :-) But the list will be a good read and source of inspiration when I'm feeling weak!

I'm also going to create a grid to show my progress. 28-days to form a habit .....

xxx

JANUARY 2006.

09:41 - I'm not hungry as yet. I've taken a few swigs of water and seem to be OK.

11:30 - Had a Mint Chocolate shake. Tasty, in fact I quite liked it. I tried the cappacino yesterday and thought it disgusting. I've had more water too. My Cambridge Counsellor suggested I have a shake sandwich i.e. water - shake - water. It seems to have worked because I'm not hungry and I have three more shakes to get through.

12:43 - Not hungry. Bizarre because when I've eaten a big bowl of cournflakes for breakfast I'm hungry by lunch. Anyway we'll see how we go, I'm taking one step at a time.

OK, so at lunch I had my butterscotch shake. All the fart-arsing around with mixing shakes is a bit of a bind, however if I keep my goal in sight I'll be ok.

I'm so ashamed of myself

When I got home last night and the feeling of light-headedness got the better of me in the end and I had two handfulls of blanched cashew nuts.

I was in a rush to get to the doctor to discuss the VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet : Lighter Life AND Cambridge) and didn't want to make up my 3rd shake - how stupid of me! The doctor called in sick so my appointment was cancelled, much to my annoyance.

I had every intention to drink my shakes when I got home, but then saw a Philidelphia cheese advert (the one where they mix the pesto with the cheese and serve it with pasta) and thought "I just HAVE to try that, I'll start the diet tomorrow" ......

my dinner was nice, but I felt really guilty afterwards.

The more I use the "there's always tomorrow" excuse the closer I am to killing myself or at the least doing damage to my body.

Anyway I've decided to continue with the Cambridge since I don't need the doctors permission to undertake it unlike Lighter Life. Yesterday I took my cancelled appointment as a sign of me doing the CD over the LL diet - besides it's exactly the same, just less money (£42 in comparison to £42 per week) and the flavours are much better on Cambridge.

Much love all those reading. Cambridge here I come!!

Foxxy! (or will be)

Monday 23rd January 2006


It's been a while since I last posted - sorry.

With not having a PC at home I'm not posting as much as I'd like to. Hopefully I'll have it back soon and normal service will resume.

Anyway, I've decided to undertake the Cambridge Diet just to kick start my weight loss. Really wanted to undertake the Lighter Life www.lighterlife.com program but I can't afford the £66 per week it would cost me. Apparently the Cambridge Diet 'food' is made in exactly the same place, so basically it's the same product, just more expensive. My suspicions were confirmed when I went to the Lighter Life presentation on Sunday and noticed at the end of the video they showed us that it was made by 'Cambridge Productions'. Anyway the cost of the Cambridge Diet for me is £42 per week - only thing is, one doesn't get the group counselling sessions one would get with LL as with CD. I have convinced my CD counsellor to create a group and she has agreed!

Anyway I am still going to see my doctor this afternoon and talk it over with her and see how I go. I'd like some external counselling also. I will also still ask my doctor to fill out the medical required by the LL program - just in case I decide to defect to the other side.

I will be posting about my Cambridge escapades. I'm starting at 19 stones exactly - I've lost 2Ibs, I attribute that to my not binging over the last week.

Cheers - thanks for reading.

18th January 2006

Don't you just hate it when you've typed a brilliant blog only for the server to go down just when you hit "publish"

That happened to me yesterday. :-(

MY THOUGHTS - 13th January 2006

I'm feeling positive today. I think positivity is key to getting through the weight loss game. God knows I really want to lose weight, however I want to do it in a sustainable way that doesn't leave me obssessed with food. I'm cutting down on what I eat and trying not to use food as a crutch.
I need to now discount all the negativity I've receieved from people around me and turn it into a positive. As someone nicely once put it to me:

"when life serves you lemons, learn how to make lemonade"

Isn't that just the best saying in the world?!

I know my change in dietry lifestyle will take a while to show physically, but bloody hell! I hope my trousers start feeling lose soon!

If anyone has any ideas on how to preactially measure portion sizes (without scales) please let me know!

Thanks for listening!

FRIDAY 13th JANUARY 2006 - unlucky for some!

Snack (mid-morning):
1 bagel

Breakfast:
cereal with ss milk

Had to eat breakfast late due to very early morning training at work.

GOAL NUMBER: 1

I was so annoyed with my performance yesterday. I do not want people to look at me as though I'm a freak when I walk down the street or when I'm walking through the station on my way to work etc.
I tire of being hollared and abused at by total strangers in the street who think it's acceptable yet would find it unacceptable to be shouting racist words at someone.

I know it's their problem and not mine, but I want to mitigate feeling like a freak, feeling ugly and unattractive (why else have I been single for over 5 years?). I need to lose weight for my physical and mental well-being.

So I've decided to set goals and targets.

ULTIMATE GOAL = be 66kg (10st 6Ibs) by Thursday 14th December 2006 (48 weeks)

I'm not too sure how much i weigh because I've weighed myself on so many damned scales. So from no on I'm sticking with what my nurse's scales say.

My last weigh was 117kg. I know I've put on weight since then because I've been binge eating. Emotional issues namely friends pissing me off. Anyway I can't let them or my urges win.

I am a winner and I can beat the weight. I've been overweight since I was 3yrs old so I am determined to fight my demons, lose the weight and gain confidence.

My first goal - to weigh 99 kilograms by 23rd February 2006

In addition I've also decided to quit going to the gym and take up free exercise, so I'm more active in general rather than relying upon visits to the gym - which for me is an added expense I can ill afford.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday 12th January 2006

Another disturbed sleep resulting in me waking up later than I would have liked. I drove into work this morning out of necessity. I have a (working lunch) meeting to attend somewhere else so I need the car.
I was angry with myself for being greedy and allowing my emotions to take over with yesterdays eating.
On the balance, my body aches from my exercise class, so I'm very happy about that.

Breakfast:
Crunchynut & muesli combo with SS milk
Cup of rooibos tea

Have no idea what I'll be having for lunch - I'll endeavour to be good though.

Snack:
Water (to check my hunger)
2 Corn cakes (which are approx 7cm square AND approx 3mm thick)
1 large mug of decaff coffee with milk (I didn't make it. I'd have had no milk)

Didn't have lunch in the end so stopped off at M&S and bought lunch.

Lunch:
Chicken & balsamic toasted tomatoes (1.7% fat per 100g)
25g bag of lightly salted beetroot & sweet potato crisps (31g% fat per 100g)

Snack:
4 corn cakes

Dinner:
6 pieces of sushi
1 large bowl of cereal with SS Milk

few grapes

WEDNESDAY 11th JANUARY 2006.

I woke up late this morning, much to my chagrin. I was still determined to take my first train ride to work of the new year - after all why else what was the point of buying a month long rail pass? Part of the reason for catching the train to work is so that I can get some extra exercise i.e. running up and down the stair and walking to the office.

I wasn't hungry this morning until I was ready to leave the house. So weigh up the pro's and the con's I ate by breakfast at home so that I wasn't tempted by the delicious snack they have on offer at Birmingham New Street.

Breakfast:
Crunchy nut cornflakes & no sugar natural muesli combo with semi-skimmed milk.
glass of water
herbal tea.

I'm loath to change my breakfast because I'm enjoying it so much. I love porridge too, so I'll probably only flit between these two choices. I've never ever been a fan of the English Fyr-Up Breakfast.

Lunch:
salad mixed with chilli peppers and cottage cheese
1 rice cake
2 thin slice corn cake (like rice cakes, made of corn)

Snack:
1 apple
1 onion bagel

Exercise: 60 minute aerobics class

Dinner:
spinach, red cabbage, cauliflower
Pesto chicken with pasta

Then I was pissed off with the behaviour of a (ex) friend: So I over ate and had:

grilled chicken breast with rice (didn't even like it)
low fat tea cake.

I'm so ashamed of myself. How and when will I be able to control myself in order to lose this damn weight?!!!!!!

TUESDAY 10th JANUARY 2006.

I woke up this morning and thought that I really must try harder and control my eating in the evening.

Exercise: 40 mins on evercise bike at the gym.

Breakfast:
Bowl of crunchy nut cereal mixed with muesli. Semi Skimmed milk.
Glass of water.

Lunch:
1 slice of low-fat malt loaf
1 Bagel
salad with Tuna/Sweetcorn cottage cheese.

Snack:
Chunky kit-kat
1 apple

Dinner:
M&S Healthy Options - Teryaki Salmon with noodles, 1/2 pak choi
with 5 asparagus and left over potato gratin (<3% fat)

MY THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

Today I tried to control my eating. It wasn't easy, but I did.
I ate when hungry (and I really made sure I was hungry and not thirsty) and stopped eating when satisfied.
I ate everything slowly and considered every mouthful. I also chewed everything 20 times. In addition I stopped eating when I was satisfied.

As I've said before, I can't really conclude I foudn it easy, but I was able to tick my first of my 28-day habit breaking day off.

I'm feeling positive, just want the next 28 days to fly by.

Cheers - thanks for listening.

MONDAY 9th JANUARY 2006

Breakfast:
1 medium bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes [semi-skimmed milk]
cup of herbal tea (no sugar or milk)

11am (snack):
2 satsumas
1 granny smith apple
water

So far so good. I'm so addictive to food that I am able to start a day with good intentions and blow it all by eating crisps with lunch or having a large evening meal. I'll then console my self with the ill-fated words "I'll start tomorrow, I'll be stronger tomorrow" . In actuality I need to take things slowly hour by hour rather than day by day.
Thus: I take each hour as it comes. This is my only way forward.

Lunch:
1 medium portion of salad (iceberg lettuce, yellow capsicum, cherry tomatoes, spring onion, cucumber)
1 Marks & Spencer wholegrain bagel
water

I went for a walk around my place of work today. It's a big place and I thought I'd form a new habit of walking a little more. The walk lasted for 25minutes, it’s cold outside so now my legs are buzzing and tingling. I feel good for it though.
Just read an article on breaking and forming habits. I am determined to make today the first day of my habit.

Snack (2pm):
1 slice of low fat malt loaf

Snack (6:30pm):
1 wholegrain bagel

Dinner:
two griddled chicken breasts (no oil)
spaghetti with garlic pepper
2 tablespoons of tinned spinach
1 tablespoon of tinned potato gratin (1.2% fat per 100g)
3 tablespoons of sweetcorn (just boiled in water)
5 plain boiled asparagus spears
bowl of muesli & crunchy nut cornflakes (dessert)

I know I over ate. The chicken tasted so nice that I continued on to have the other one. I think to control myself I need to not cooked more than I am eating. See, I told you I need to take things one hour at a time.

Thanks for reading.

xx

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?!!! - (Monday 9th January 05)

I've not had internet access for a while thus my lack of posting.

Christmas Day was in all fairly controlled. I have a large amount of fruit and didn't go over-board.

However this last previous week as been bad and I've felt completely addicted to food.

Today marks the beginning of a new chapter and I endeavour to post here every day.

I'm feeling really apprehensive about the weight loss so I'm attempting to think positive thoughts.

TWENTY-EIGHT DAYS
Thats how many days I have ahead of me including today for form a new habit of eating. Every journey begins with the first step and I simply can't put it off any longer.

The other day I decided to eat some fruit for breakfast much to protestations and 'expert' advice from my mother and sister. That really annoys me - so I'm keeping my mouth shut. They never support me in ANYTHING - sheesh I've been fat since childhood and nothing was done to help me then when THEY had control, so it was silly of me to think they'd support me now.

Apparently it takes 28 days to form a new habit. So for the next 28 days I'm going to attempt to eat a whole lot better than I have done. Actually my eating is OK much better than average, it's my portion sizing that is the problem, so I'm tackling that.

Wish me luck ... forever, I don't want to die young.